Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Odds! Ends! Answers!

Hay y'all - didja miss me? Didja notice I didn't post yesterday? Was anyone wondering if I'd fallen into a ditch on the way to work or was captured by a marauding band of swarthy/sexy pirates and made to do their naughty bidding or maybe was waylaid by a film director who saw me on the street and simpy HAD to have me shoot a test scene for his lastest film that stars a slightly pudgy middle-aged woman with terrific hair who enters a beauty contest for women half her age and winds up winning because her awesome talent of simultaneously picking her nose and whistling Dixie wowed the judges into complete and total adoration?


You lack imagination then. And perhaps interest in my well-being.

And yet, despite my extraordinary disappointment at not having received a barrage of entreaties as to my whereabouts, I shall maintain my general oeuvre of magnanimity and post today, answering questions from curious folk who ought to know better than to ask anything of me than to be the fanTAStic paragon of awesome that I am.

So. Exhausting.

Herewith, and closing out the category, the down n' dirty version of Tiff Q and A:

Deborah wants to know….Presuming, for the moment, that you aspire to be food and if you could only be one or the other, which?

peanut butter or jelly? Peanut butter! Crammed with fat, salt, sugar, and PROTEIN, plus it makes little kids cough and wheeze, what’s not to like? Mmm, dangerous deliciousness.

Red beans or rice? Beans. It’s a fart thing.

Steak or potatoes? I’d have to go for the steak on this one, being as how it came from a cow and cows are lovely and they get to graze a lot and nobody cares how fat they are and maybe they live someplace where children come by to feed them the luscious stalks of grass that are just out of neck’s reach beyond the fenceline. Cows are wonderful creatures and have a tremendous life until they’re crammed in a boxcar, driven thousands of miles to a filthy holding pen, are shoved down a chute where someone shoots an IRON BOLT into their heads, flays them, spills their guts onto a cement floor, and chops them up into meatybits. Not so bad! Beats being a potato, who never get children to feed them, and who miss out on the horror of the slaughterhouse floor. Such a dull life.

Renny McRennerson would like to know: Which "earworm" song tortures you the most? How do you get rid of it?If I only Had A Brain” from the Wizard of Oz. I am not even going to link to it, such is the power of its earwormyness. Of course, the ONLY way to get rid of this song, as for most other earworms, is to give it to someone else.

Like I just did to you. You’re welcome.

What song, regardless of circumstance, never fails to lift you out of a bad mood? “Oh What a Beautiful Morning” from “Oklahoma.” I do not know why, perhaps it’s because I imagine Gordon MacCrae on horseback ambling through tall fields of corn on a bright summer day, all kitted out fancy in his cowboy duds with never a care in the World. He hasn’t yet fallen for what’sher’face, who is all prim and pretty and neat and just about everything I am not for which I dislike her monstrously, and more importantly he doesn’t yet know about Jud, who pretty much ruins EVERYTHING. Ah, the sweet optimism a glorious bright summer’s day can engender.

What's your secret (cheesy, awful, over the top) favorite song? Erm…lately it’s Reliant K’s “In Like a Lion.” It’s so daggone PRETTY, and it’s all poem-y, and there’s a message, and what could be better than that, except that it’s kinda smarmy maybe in between the pretty and the messagey-ness of it but I do NOT care. I like it. If not that, then I’d go to another show tune – “One” from “A Chorus Line.” I think this rates as totally over-the-top, but man, it still gives me shivers. I’m such a Broadway Baby!!

Lastly, here’s a couple from Farrago the Magnificent (as he told me to call him) - I'll ask you the same question I asked scarletvirago when she posted this open-ended meme:

Spit or Swallow
? I like swallows better. Spit just sits there, and swallows can FLY!

Read between the lines, dearies.

And a new one: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A s many pancakes as it takes to shingle a doghouse. Duh!


Phewf. THAT'S over. All that thinking gets me tired out and vaguely faint-y, like maybe I need a drink to revive my spirits, but NOoOOOOoo, no drinks for Tiff, being as how that's part of her Shrinking Piggies weight loss plan, which you'll be able to read about here once I get it posted.

The good news is that by almost doing NOTHING to lose weight last week I dropped 2 pounds! Yay! The bad news is that other Piggies have dropped as much as 5 POUNDS in one week alone. Boo! Daggone show-offs, making me get all serious about meeting my goal and having to give up LIQUOR 4 days a week. Hrmph.


Y'all have a wonderful day. I'll just be over here massaging the cramps out of my thighs that I got as a result of walking three or so miles this morning. Stupid, stupid weight loss plan - I SHALL BEAT YOU!!!

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