Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Almost in earnest, a game, and a question.

Sometimes I go through the details of my sitemeter report to see just who has been to visit N.A.Y. (cute, an acronym!) and what prompted them to come take a peek at this little chunk of the web.

OK, fine, I check EVERY day......but not obsessively. Six times a day, maybe? That's not obsessive, is it? Please say no, I'm new at this still and haven't developed a thick enough skin to not want people to come by and sit a spell.

The sitemeter is a trove of information. Often I recognize the familiar "names," those people who I know now by their internet provider or town name, and to whom I'm grateful for stopping by on a regular basis (thanks guys!). On occasion there are new names too, those folks who come here through other sites and who, if I'm lucky, return from time to time. And, as I'm sure you can imagine, there are some people who come in search of things, likely never to return.

It's those last few people in whom I'm interested lately. Who are they, those people who are looking for "pictures of Paris Hilton," or are on a quest for information about scintillating scotoma (that's a biggie for this humble site), pictures of Efudex treatment, or links to games?

It's pretty cool to think that, in some way, the informational portion of this blog will help someone. Makes me wish I had more medical issues, kinda, so that I could fill this blog chock FULL of tidbits about me and all the stuff that's wrong with me.

For instance, I could talk about how I have
amblyopia. Because I do. See? I'm a cornucopia of oddness, with a story for almost every bodily system. Y'all know, if you've read N.A.Y. from the start, that I had the Hirschprung's disease as a kid, and transposed intestines, a smidge of childhood chubbiness, body odor issues (oh, yes, a first-grader who wears deodorant - it has happened!), tallness issues, freckles, paralyzing shyness, tinnitus, a-fib, varicose veins, migraines, and the aforementioned crazy alien vision problems. It's a wonder I can think at all.

Curiously, I still think I'm "normal." Why wouldn't I be? Who cares if I had part of my large intestine removed and skip a heartbeat every once in a while and can't wear shorts and only experienced 3-D vision for the first time a the age of 39 (thanks prismatic lenses!)? Those afflictions, if I dress properly and use the Sure and keep my glasses on and employ my verbal self-edit function on a consistent basis, aren't visible to anyone, and therefore don't affect how people perceive me.

I think.

Getting back to the point, I guess there are a whole LOT of medical-type things I could go on and on about here. Stuff of which I have first-hand knowledge. Things that would ping the hitmeter and bolster my page views and maybe gain me a few more semi-regular visitors.

But, you know, just like I don't really want this to be an "all funny, all the time" blog or a "Mommy blog" or a "stuff I did today" blog, I also don't want this to be a "all about my problems" blog.

Because, really, who wants to read about non-functioning intestines or crazy alien vision issues ALL the time?

So, sorry all y'all who searched on any of those medical phrases and words I just used, and are served nothing but bitter disappointment. It's just not my style to dwell on the unpleasant.

You can always browse the archives for games, I guess.


Oh fine - I have to give y'all SOMETHING to go on, so here ya go.

"Hi! I'm Paris. Like the city, get it? I'm the pretty Hilton sister. Look! Look at my new dress! See how pretty it is, just like ME? Don't you like how it swirls around all pretty, like me?

Isn't it weird how Nicole and me and Ashlee are all starting to look alike? Isn't that hott? The bobblehead look is so IN right now! Totally! You know, I bet if they wore a dress made out of the sheets their moms used on their bed when they were in grade 3 then maybe they'd be as pretty as me, but I guess that maybe they didn't have 600-thread count ultra-high-density pure Pima cotton in a pretty pretty print like this on their beds because they didn't grow up all that rich, really, so whatever. I'm pretty! See?

My mom says it's neat that this dress covers my crotch, and I think it's cool too because now I don't have to wear underwear or remember not to cross my legs or sprawl. 'Cause I'm a TOTAL sprawler, y'all!. Believe it!

Oops, there's my sister over there trying to look prettier than me, I gotta go now and show her who the REAL popular Hilton is. Bye!"


There, satisfied now?

Oh, all right. FINE. Don't ever say I never gave you anything...


Gary Larson needs to come back for just one more. Please, Gar?

P.S - I'm trying out a new font - whaddaya think?


Vanda said...

I'm so usless at this technical stuff. I'm luck I can blog at all lol. So please share the secret of a site meter pretty, pretty please.

I do so enjoy your blog. I've been taking random blogs that I read all the time and started from the begining. Hmmmmm sad life or somthing to keep me occupied when I'm in to much pain to move LOL.

Have a great one Tiff.

Vanda said...

Opps I meant to finish the previous comment by saying, I've been reading random blogs that I read all the time and started from the begining.

Now I'm going to the start of yours. OK, no you can insert the Hmmmm sad life comment. Opps.

{Big blush}

mr. schprock said...

I wrote one post on my stutter and that's been about it for any "my problems" posts. In general, I like to keep them light and upbeat. Occasionally I get serious just to keep people off-balance.

Having said that, stories of how you've coped with medical conditions can be very interesting. I not saying you should, but people might want to read about that.

tiff said...

Vanda - sitemeter is easy. Just go to www.sitemeter.com and use their prompts to put a meter on your blog page. You can pick the style and security level and everything, and it's kind of fun to see from whence your visitors come!

Mr S - Mix it up! Life is more fun that way anyhow. I imagine that I I get older, I'll be full of stories about my issues. RIght now I feel like "if I ignore them maybe they'll go away!" I know...totally healthy. Not.

Anonymous said...

Um, Tiff
what exactly is a-fib? Its probably something I should know by now but you did throw some curve balls with this update. thanks- Oh and I absa-tutely cannot tolerate anymore Paris sightings, please!!! She is simply nauseating.

tiff said...

tdk - whoa! You're back! Yay! OK - a-fib is short for paroxysmal atrial fibrillation - commonly manifested (for me) as episodic bursts of rapid fluttery heartbeats or skipped beats over a period of about a half an hour. It's weird, but fairly common (esp in women), and not really harmful unless you have a history of clotting disorder. Which, of course, I do! Hooray!
Isn't medicine FUN????

Anonymous said...

HI Tiff,

Love the new font...Arial...ah...my favorite font, in fact, I have forced all members of my staff to use this font...Arial 12...no courier for me, no bookman, and especially no old style bookman. We are accountants, we are Arial 12. Go use your fancy fonts elsewhere...like in marketing or blogging, or something. And about that whole Paris thing...someone has GOT to explain that to me. Why does anyone care about what she's doing, and who she's wearing, and who she's doing, and why she and her rich pop singing daughter friend aren't talking to each other...and ...sure I care if that cuhrazy tom cruise is going to steal that little girl's baby, and sacrifice it to Scientology, and whether angelina is going to have the baby in Paris (now I'm talking France here) or AFrica, now, of course, i care about THAT, but someone has got to explain the whole Paris thing. Please.

Love you Tiff,

Anonymous said...

P.S. - Loved "barking Monkeys" - but hey, pearls of wisdom is also oh so clever...like you...

tiff said...

BW - Yay! Feedback! Yay! Woo! :> I appreciate the accountant's opinion, esp one who knows all the words to the Wizrd of Oz.

I liked Barking monkeys too, but when I re-did the blog it wiped out the old appearance and I'm too much of a retard to figure out how NOT to do that.

Paris is a pox on society. I do not KNOW why she is even in the tiniest bit relevant. However, I cannot stop looking, hoping one day to see that bobblehead just pop off.

Anonymous said...

Honey, just think! People who google other stuff and get you get TONS of stuff. How lucky!!! ;)

Jess Riley said...

I'm with you on Gary Larson. Well, we're not physically ON him, but I wish he'd get back to work on The Far Side.

I'm liking the font...it's scoring highly on the readability scale.

tiff said...

WN - I feel much, much better. :>

Jess - I would squash Gary without anyone's help. Porr fellow. Thanks for the feedback on the font!

Neil said...

Believe me, you think it's fun putting up a photo of Paris Hilton now, but when hundreds of teenage girls start hotlinking to it and you can't figure out who's really coming to your site for legitimate reasons, you're gonna regret it. I still have people coming for a photo of Paris Hilton I post a YEAR ago!

Chelle said...

I like the new font and I like the old one. How's that for feedback?

Tiff -the only request I have on your blog is that you keep the Yahoo Headline Watch. You and the Yahoo writers are a hilarious team that keep me laughing.

rennratt said...

I could have sworn the new font was Tahoma. Is it really Arial 12?

I think that you should request a submission of ailments from your commentors, and throw in a sidebar noting "What my readers suffer from". That should bring in a LOT of hits.

Paris Hilton annoys me, but Nicole Ritchie concerns me greatly. At work, we consider her "Ethopian Chic".

tiff said...

Neil - I just hope those teenage girls read my comment and realize just how vapid she really is....but I hear ya. Enough with Paris already.

MMM3 - sure thing! It's my weekly dose of snark that satisfies my wannabe comedy writer jones.

Renn - Yep, it's Arial. Blogger doesn't give me a lot of choices. Oooh, an ailment list to supplant the "may favorite words" list - cool idea!!!