News at noon (ish)

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is Guy Smiley reporting for TIFF Teevee.....

We've got a full lineup today, so let's get going before it's all old news!

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From the world of science, this story:

Scientists find genes linked to heart attack risk

The bottom line - The tighter they are, the more heart attacks they cause.

From the international news desk:

Series of Bombs Hit Ethiopia's Capital

Promoters now say it was a mistake to premiere Ishtar, Gigli, and M:i:III the same weekend.

In the human-interest sphere:

Tenn. May Mandate ID for All Beer Sales

Moonshine, on the other hand, will still be available for anyone with a fiver and a fast car.

Back to science for a moment:

Newly Discovered Monkey Rates Own Genus

"I'd give 'em a 7," the primate was heard to say. "They're cute, but sloppy, and look horrible in suede."

In health news:

Study: Vioxx Users Not at Increased Risk

Of........?

From our sports desk:

Nalbandian Reaches Rome Semifinals

In.......?

Hi-ho! As as added feature this week, we bring you visuals of news from around the world!

Bullfighter Carlos Inigo Montoya de Casteneda el Grande Mucho mas Macho was almost impaled on the horns of "El Diablo" this weekend in what onlookers described as a horrific display of poor taste in clothing. "Nobody wears pink and green anymore," said Maria Teresa Esperanza Angelica Schmidt, "too bad the bull didn't go a little to the left to put this guy out of business for a while. A few episodes of 'What Not to Wear' while he's in hospital would do him good."

In a real stunner of a story, it seems as though Marc Anthony and Jimmy Smits are to be the new team on "Dancing with the Stars"! "The chemistry is there for this to be a team with potential to be a contender," says a gushing show insider, "we're very excited by this pairing!"

And, lastly - Jessica Simpson says that winning the role of the head Loompa in the new all-girl version of "Wilhemina Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" was the most exciting thing to happen to her since she learned buffalos don't have wings. The fact that she's already orange was not a major factor in her casting, say the producers of the off-Broadway production.

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There you have it - all the news that's news to us, from TIFF teevee, where our motto is "Weak humor is still humor, dagnabbit!"

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And, to all y'all Muthas out there - Happy Sunday!