Who I Used to Be

As I alluded to in an earlier post, I've been doing some unpacking of "things" from my deep dark past, and have found items that have helped me rediscover the me I used to be. One or two of these items are diaries, another is the scrapbook I kept throughout high school (which has ORIGINAL newspaper clippings from the first release of Star Wars. Oh, I was a high-grade geek grrrl).

Some of the stuff in these tomes are highly entertaining, some are heartbreaking, and some are infomative. In an effort to help y'all "get to know Tiff" better, and to share in some long-forgot teen angst, I now present to you an outtake from the recently discovered journal I kept from 1980 (the year I graduated High School) to late March 1983 (near the end of my junior year in college).

In this installment, I'm 18 years old, and am writing about a date I had with a college boy who was home on summer break and had asked me out on the advice of my German teacher. Um, yeah - my dates we set up BY MY TEACHERS with desperate (but cute) college boys. I was, to put it mildly, terribly terribly nervous at the thought of this date, being as how I had no practical experience with dating. All spelling and phraseology is as I wrote it. See if you can spot the warning signs of a developing neurotic personality, as well as the start of a propentisty to overuse parenthetical phrases and ellipses....

"Last night was it, Well, we went out to see "Ffolks," a Roger Moore picture, and then to eat. All the while, in the movie, on the way to eat, we talked! and talked, and talked. I think it was mostly about me. God I hope I wasn't boring. Anyway, we went to Richard's Inn and there was no band and no waitress. Hmmmm. We sat for about a minute and then walked out (he dragging me, really). Then we walked over to Mr Gatti's for a Pizza! (Extra large vegetarian speical. Well, it WAS family night and x-lgs were half price!) I couldn't eat much, I was too nervous. We came home, had a piece of birthday cake, watched the news, and at about 11:15, he went home.

I had a good time and he said he did too, but something happened that bothered me. See, I had left my umbrella in the car like a dummy and he came over here to drop it off. I didn't know he was here though. I was upstairs and heard a car come up the driveway, the back door open, Mom saying something, and then a car driving away. It was him, and I don't think he even asked if I was here! Mom said he had locked his car and turned off the engine, so it was like he was gonna stay for a bit, but he must have decided not to, why not? I still am a little upset.

I'm going to call him tomorrow, hopefully he'll be home and I can apologize for leaving my umbrella in his car, etc. I hope he wasn't disgusted by me last night, he didn't seem to be. Oh Bother! You'd think he wouldn't cut the date short if he wasn't having a good time. Why'd he kiss me if he didn't...Shoot! I'll have to wait until I call to find out what is really going on."

Y'all. It pains me to re-read this, and to know that I was this girl. Jeez - I wanted to APOLOGIZE for leaving my umbrella in his car, and for maybe disgusting him!!!! Holy cats! I could kick myself.

And yes, I know that a college boy leaving a date at 11:15 IS cutting the date short. Oh, I know that NOW. Back then though, staying up past 10 was a big deal. I was so very innocent.

By the end of this particular diary, I'd rough camped in Wyoming, gone to college, had a cupla-two-tree boyfriends, lost my virginity, fallen in and out of VAST TRACTS OF LOVE, changed my major, and developed a tad more self-confidence. Oh, I was still neurotic as all get out, but at least I wasn't agonizing over an apology about a forgotten umbrella anymore.

I'd be glad to tell you all about it sometime, if you're interested. My past pain will maybe make you feel ever so much better about yourself, and who doesn't want THAT?