You know what's fun? Interviewing Tammie, the Blonde Goddess is fun, that's what! It's so MUCH fun that what was scheduled to take an hour of Googlechat turned into almost 2, at which point our bloodied finger-stumps needed a break and I, for one, needed to fetch another cocktail.
Not surprisingly, 2 hours worth of chat turns into a mighty wall of words, and so the resulting transcript will be posted here over the course of at least 2 days, and possibly spilling over into 3. Oh, there will be honest discourse, cliffhangers, and in-depth probing the likes of which cannot be shown on network teevee!
Let's get DOWN on it!
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me: You're about to be interviewed.
Tammie: I'm ready. I am naked and partially intoxicated.
me: pictures or it didn't happen. :)
Tammie: I can send you a partially clad picture of my ass. Seriously. I use it to tell people to kiss off.
me: Well now - that's special.
Tammie: Of course I would never tell you to kiss off, but I think it would excite you
me: another of my yet-to-be-explored kinks. I'm saving some for the old folks' home
so. how the hell are you?
Tammie: Things are great...vodka helps the illusion. And the visual of old stretched out privates is a stunning visual. Thanks for that.
me: you are most welcome. However, even when I'm 80, some special netherbits will still be as taut as the day I took my first shit, for I kegel like a fiend, my friend.
Tammie: Ah...I see. Well I Kegal too but I think the fact I'm an ass freak probably doesn't help
me: that's a perfect starting point.
Tammie: Lol...so true
me: Question 1 then: do Kegels help the poop sphincters, or are they only good for trying to repair what childbirth has wrought asunder?
Tammie: I believe they help tighten the vaginal muscles and pelvic floor. I have developed my own ass tightening exercises though, that consist of pennies, vasoline and a lighter....I could send pictures but it's a family blog.
me: so, the ol' aspirin between the knees trick doesn't really work, eh? Ann Landers is a professional LIAR!
Tammie: Ann Landers needs to get laid...seriously. As for the asprin between the knees...it only works for me when I bend forward and retrieve it with my tongue, then chew it to stop the chest pains. Sex is definitely an action verb in my house!
me: Dude, you're like a 15-YO boy. It's frigging amazing. What do you tell your kids about sex?
Tammie: Actually I tell them it's a natural thing that should be shared in a trusting relationship. My goal is for them to wait until they find someone they care about and can trust so the experience is the best it can be. I encourage them to not be self-conscious about their bodies and accept their sexuality. We have even discussed the urges and the need for masturbation. I say it's better than having sex to satisfy the urge...
me: hells yes! That’s a good answer!
Tammie: Thanks. I am a HUGE advocate of masturbation! Just ask the nuns
me: most kids think, somehow, that the EMword is a bad thing to do. Did you ever get that message? (nuns excluded, for I bet they were watching you..)
Tammie: Yes. I think you're right about people being self-conscious about masturbating. But why is that? It's a natural thing. We eat to make ourselves feel better, wrap up in a blanket to comfort ourselves, why is it wrong to masturbate and have an orgasm? It makes us feel good and keeps us from doing something stupid with some dumb asshole who's been told it's a sin to masturbate.
me: Fucking assholes. Good thing I didn't meet them until I was well past the point of being able to understand their message. Mastrubation is a good thing - I think we can agree.
or however you spell it.
Tammie: HAHAHA
me: on to the next question then
Tammie: Use BOTH hands to type Tiff!
me: dude - you wouldn't believe me when I say that this is the best typing I've done in YEARS
ask anyone who has ever IMed with me...there's a special language made just for me.
Tammie: I was making a crude reference to the masturbating...LOL
me: I know. I was TRYING to bring it back around to family blog territory.
Tammie: OHHHHH....ok.
me: which brings me to the next question
ready?
Tammie: Yep
me: You are preparing for a movie role. What is it, who costars, and how does it end?
Tammie: It's a comedy. I am the wife and mother and I'm married to George Clooney (cause he can do comedy). I am a nit witted, scatterbrained ding-a-ling and the movie ends with me winning the lottery and living happily ever after. I'm not too much about straying from what I know, you know...well except for winning the lottery part. The rest is my normal life and that's exciting enough for me.
me: And the bit about George Clooney? Normal life?
Because, in case you didn't know - HE'S MINE!
Tammie: Yeah well you've seen the pictures of Mr.Man on my facebook. He looks like Mr.Man and there's NO WAY Mr.Man would agree to be in a movie with me...unless it's one we make in the privacy of our own home.
I won't kiss George ok?
me: You can kiss.
Tammie: with tongues?
me: It's OK. We have an understanding, George and me. No penetration, and you're cool
Tammie: Ok. So I can kiss...any parts off limits?...*GRIN*
me: welll....let's see. He's my imaginary boyfriend in your imaginary movie about your life together as screwball husband and wife, so I'm guessing that comedic sex would be an option.
it's OK. he's cool with it. but do NOT touch my real husband (just so you know).
Tammie: Awww...
I'll be contented with Mr.Man and his restraints.
me: Take George....for a day. He's wanting some punishment anyhow
Tammie: I'd hate to ruin him for all the other women in the world. He'd become my stalker and we can't have that.
me: he's gay, you know
likes the ass
Mwuahahahaaa!
Tammie: My butt hurts at the thought
me: on to another topic then. Next up, this little gem: when in your life did you feel most powerful?
Tammie: I felt the most powerful when I left my ex-husband. Actually, it wasn't really supposed to be a separation, I was just afraid of him because the abuse had become more and more violent. My friend begged me to stay with her one night and think it over. I told him I was going to stay with her and then went to work. He called my mother and told her I'd abandoned him and our daughter and she called me at work. She accused me of being a whore and a bad mother. I had never felt so afraid and alone in my life. Then I got angry because I realized that none of them really cared about me, they just cared about me doing what they wanted. That realization made me feel powerful for the first time in my life. I never went back to him.
me: It's completely freeing, isn't it?
Tammie: Yes, It was. It was like I could finally give myself permission to love myself and take care of me for once.
me: Right now I'd give you a big ol' southern neck hug, because lord, lord, you've done it. you were so young too! Your mama and you have issues.
Tammie: Yes, well we all have our mountains to climb don't we?
me: yep - it's what makes life interesting. Here’s another question for ya: when you were a little girl, what did you want to do with your life?
Tammie: I wanted to go far away. I dreamed about flying planes and getting as far away from everything as I could. I think that the fact that three of my "fathers" were in the Air Force might have had something to do with that, but I always loved the huge bombers and dreamed I would pilot one. When I needed glasses, I realized that wouldn't happen. So I thought about maybe being a lawyer. Then I started writing. I wrote stories and kept a journal and wrote poetry. I loved to write and hoped that maybe someday I'd be an author...or write for television...you know. I'm too silly to write a serious novel.
me: I can totally see you flying an aircraft.
Tammie: IN the nude!
I could call the business, "Wings and naked things"
me: a little g-string, a little bounce
you could do that as an attorney too what happened to the lawyer thing?
Tammie: I don't know...I guess I think I'm logical and I seem to have a good memory, but I'm a lover...not a fighter
I could titty slap the hostile witnesses
whappity slap!
me: no! don't bring out the big guns! they're for the closing argument!
Tammie: I like to beat people with my boobies. I can't help it. It's a weakness of mine
me: there are no words efficient enough to respond to that statement so, on to the next question?
Tammie: Bring it!
me: I would not trade my life now with being a teenager again - would you?
Tammie: GOD NO! I enjoy being a woman. I have confidence and I can control my own destiny.
me: Confidence is a thing that girls need to 'get'
Tammie: I hated having to rely on people. No one really encouraged me to be self-confident. And yes, girls need to be encouraged more
me: yeah, even all these years later, girls need to KNOW they're more than tits...if I can put it that crudely. OK, so, what was your first job?
Tammie: OK. My first tax paying job was when I was 16. Before that I always worked...in the fields, the barn, cleaning houses, babysitting...you name it. I got pregnant at 16 and my mother kicked me out. So I worked the 11-7 shift at a factory while my Nana took care of Freya. I slept during the day when she slept. It wasn't a lot of sleep. Plus I tried to pick up side jobs to make extra money. The factory work was piecing telephone components, matching up four wires and screwing them down in the correct holes. It was piece work...tedious and one job I don't miss. In the town I grew up in there was no such thing as welfare so I had to make it on my own
My family would have died if I has asked for assistance and hell, I didn't even know there was anything that I could ask for. So I worked. Then I got my diploma doing a correspondence course from home that was somewhat new. I hitch hiked into town once a week and took the tests. It was hard but I did it. Then they lost part of the records. They don't even have all my transcripts for my grades.
I don't think that any job is beneath me and I'm a hard worker. I give any job I do, 110%.
me: So, here I sit, thinking about how old my child would be if I had her at 16. And how different my life would be. You are a hero to me.
Tammie: Wow. That is such a compliment coming from you.
me: You're pretty fucking fierce.
Tammie: BWAHAHAHA!
I'm just who I am. Everyone has their moments, you know?
me: well, compared to the society ladies who lunch, you've had an interesting life
Tammie: Yes, I guess I have. Interesting is a good choice of words. And the small bit I've shared with you is just the tip of the iceberg. I don't open up much, but I said I'd answer any and all questions and I am a woman of my word. Ask away!
me: OK - here goes. What part of your body do you love the most?
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And here we break. Ahahahaaa! I can hear y'all going all "oh MAN, no fair! We need to know the answer!" but that, my friedns, is the cliffhanger mentioned before, and which I hope will bring you back here to read more of Tammie's expostulation of truth.
Til Monday then, y'all be good!
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