Monday, August 06, 2007

Letters I should write

Dear Carl Kasell,

OK, I get it that you're a veteran news reporter with a long and stories history at NPR, and that you're a very intelligent man with a head full of wit and a ton of mental agility. I get that. I honor that fact that you're a North Carolinian too, which ought to make me a little tiny baby bit more forgiving of what I'm about to tell you, but I find that this issue is far too important for me to allow our shared citizenry of NC to sway me toward softening this most important message.

Carl? Honey?

When you talk, it sounds like you're trying to swallow the microphone. I can hear every single mouth noise you make. I can hear it when your tongue impacts the back of your throat, I can hear it when you get that little extra bit of saliva in your mouth, I can hear it when your lips dry out.

Carl? Darlin'?

I do not want to hear these things. Please fix whatever's wrong, because you sound very much like you've got a loose upper denture that you're trying to hold in place through a combination of lingual gymnastics and hope.

Very sincerely,

PS - please forward this note to Daniel Shorr. Y'all must have the same dental plan.


Dear Bruegger's Bagels

I love you.

I love your hot steamy asiago cheese bagels. I love the way y'all melt the cheese onto the ham and eggs, I love the folksy way your counter staff helped me out, I love the WONDERFUL coffee.

I want to spend a lot more time with you, exploring all you have to offer. Oh Bruegger's Bagels, you tempt me, and I love it.



Dear person who beeped at me this morning,

Shove it.



Dear South,

Why you gotta be so HOT alla time? It's going to be 100 degrees here today, with about a million percent humidity. It's going to be like this all week!

Please, stop it.


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