Wednesday, May 10, 2006

To Whom it May Concern,

Dear Jawline,
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Where did you go? I miss you. Your cousin, Miss Doublechin, seems to believe that while you’re gone she can hang around, and she's not nearly as good for me as you are. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.


Please come back soon.
.
Me
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Dear New York City Cab Driver,
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When you get a chance, would you please look around the back seat of your cab for the 2 years of my life I think I left there during your cross-Bronx interpretation of “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride?”
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I’d be most grateful if you’d mail them back to me at your earliest convenience. Or maybe you could just DRIVE them to North Carolina. At the speeds you travel, and with your intimate sense of vehicular proximity and complete lack of fear, you should make it there from NYC in about 4 hours, I think.
.
Signed,
.
Prematurely Aged Exurban Gal
.
=======================
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Dear Big U in NYC,
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Your bathrooms suck. My dryer has more space than your single-stall restroom. For such a big prestigious school, I should think you could afford more than six inches of knee room and a door that doesn’t require a death grip to keep closed because it doesn't even lock.
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Think about it, won’t you?
.
Regards,
Me
.
=========================
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Dear Fort Lee Hilton,
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I love you.
.
Seriously, if I could marry you, I would. Your beds are like sleeping in a "me"-shaped cloud, your Italian Resturant makes sinfully good food that comes in a portion large enough for 2 on a plate the colors of a sunny Dutch bedroom, Muhammed your room service guy is funny and sweet and doesn’t expect a tip, your purser - was his name Zoltan? - is personable and helped me pass the time by telling me about his golf vacations while I was waiting for the limo this morning, your teevee is huge and has so many channels worth watching, and even though I stopped to watch Japanese soap operas last night that’s no reflection at ALL on the other fine selections that were available, and your shower has the power to beat sensibility into the most sleep-deprived and business-befuddled guest.
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Don’t tell the Holiday Inn down the street, but I think you’re prettier too.
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Mwah!
.
Me
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========================

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Dear People On The Airplane Who Think that Standing Up In the the Aisle Once the Plane Lands Will Somehow Make The Flight Attendant Open the Door Faster So You Can Talk Importantly On Your Phone While Deplaning,

.
It won’t.

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Now sit down before I take a bite out of that ass you have in my face.

.
Thanks!

.
Me
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Dear, dear NYC,

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You are so heartwrenchingly beautiful in the pink and blue light of dawn. Your complicated profile is thrilling, the thrum of life in your streets and skies is exhilarating, and the rush of possibility in the atmosphere around you is tantalizing There is no place like you on this whole earth; you are the city of my parents and theirs before them, the place of my roots in this country.

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It was very very good to see you again.

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XO,

.
Me

Image courtesy Kevinfreitas.net.

5 comments:

Wordnerd said...

What a great way to recap the trip...glad at least the hotel stay was relaxing. Tell the cab driver to check in the backseat for your jawline -- maybe it fell off when you slid?

trinamick said...

LOL! I take it you had a good time? Well, except for the near-death experience, but doesn't that just make you appreciate life even more? :P

tiff said...

WN - fabulous idea - IF I'd only lost it this weekend....sadly, this is not the case.

Trina - For a business trip it wasn't bad! Even for hanging out with a bunch of doctors, which usually is not very interesting, it wasn't bad. :>

Suburban Turmoil said...

Great post! I was laughing in particular at the people who stand up right as the plane stops moving. I hate it when they try to push ahead of you before you can even get out of your own seat. Hello? Isn't it an unspoken rule that each row deboards in turn? Gah!

tiff said...

Lucina - I think we need to speak the unspoken, because people aren't getting it.