The thing is: I'm starting to become tired of who I have been. I'm starting to think that maybe reinventing myself would be a great idea. I'm starting to think that maybe getting a certification in some job-related thing is a smart move, and that exercising every day would be the right thing to do, and that maybe keeping up with the housework on a day-to-day basis instead of waiting for the "holy Smokes this place is a sty!" feeling to hit before beginning an excavation of the living room.
Is it the heat that's making me crazy? Is the lack of estrogen causing me to go all grandmotherly? Can it be that after 49+ years of life I'm finally understanding what it's like the feel like being, dare I say it, on TOP of things?
So odd. So unlike me. Why, it's gotten to the point that when I'm at work I'm nearly always, well, working. This is a strange sensation.
Did aliens come down from above and rearrange my prefrontal cortex to enhance my usually poor decision-making skills, or did God finally answer on of my Mom's prayers and smite me with a sense of responsibility?
Whatever it is, I like it. Now, this is a new sensation, and a little scary, so from time to time I retreat back into the hole that was my former MO, but then I peek my head out into the blazing light of self-realization, blinking at how CLEAR things are there and how much better things look when I'm not hiding from reality.
Biff and I had a conversation not long ago wherein we bemoaned our combined lack of ability to fully follow through on stuff and how giving 100% was no fun, esp when the 100 is directed at drudgery and stupid work. We chatted for a while like this, and a thought popped itno my head, so I said it : "are you living at odds with your goals?"
We both said yes.
That was kind of a buzz killer, let me tell you.
But it started me on something, a thinking kind of thing, a thing that I remind myself of a few times a day - 'are you living at odds with your goals?' DO I do things that are contrary to what I know I'm supposed to be doing or that are getting in the way of a goal I want to achieve or are hindering my future chances at 'something'?
It used to be that more often than not the answer was yes. Near constant ambushing of what I knew needed to be done with any care and forethought, almost always rushing at the last minute to get something done or make good on a promise.
Now, in just the last couple of weeks, more and more often the answer is no, I am not living at odds with my goals. And you know what? There's peace in that. There's a sense of stability knowing I'm donig 1) what needs to be done to keep me from last-minute panic attacks, then 2) what ought to be done to keep the Tiny House running and then 3) what I want to do which generally involves and adult beverage and PLENTY of time-wasting.
Wasting time, I've found, is so much more fun when you're free to waste it.
So, that's it. Me, changing again. Taking another step toward sensible adulthood. Why, by the time I'm 80, I'll have figured out at least HALF of how to do that.
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