Wednesday, May 09, 2007

And another thing

OK Halsocan -
we need to talk.

A few months ago I signed you up to handle my comments because of all the cool commenty goodness that is possible through you, and yet you're letting me down by not appearing on the job, not performing up to specs, leaving in the middle of something, not showing up on time.

If my comments don't work, then half the fun of blogging is gone. HALF! I'm no longer satisfied with the mere presence of my words on the internets, I want people to COMMENT ON THE WORDS and play together, exchanging insights and witticisms and maybe sometimes even recipes, and they can't do that if you're not showing up to work, dagnabbit!

Come ON, dude, step up the function here. Juggle the jobs you've said you could do, be consistent, output the product or you're OUT OF HERE.
I don't want to keep having this conversation, so buck up, slacker. I am not going to stand for this much longer. There are tons of others just like you waiting in the wings to take your job, and I'm just about to put the "Help Wanted" sign in the window.

This might just be your final final warning.


And now YOU, quickie mart that has crappy coffee cup lids!

I'm sick and tired of spilling driblets of coffee down my cleavage in the morning. That shit is hot, and I'm not just braggin' on the rack here!

Holy crow, what would it cost you to get the cool black sippy-cup type lids that fit properly, protect my oh-so-sensual lips from the scald of a wave of hot-ass java, and MATCH THE CUP?
Do you not KNOW how important proper coffee cup-to-lid coordination can BE? Jeez!

Damn - I go to your shop because you have 1) good coffee, 2) cheap coffee, 3) a half-and-half dispenser so I don't have to rip open lots of little International Delight whatevers, 4) keep a clean prep area, and 5) have counter help from Nigeria, and I love listening to them talk.

But, for the love of Mike, replace the farking coffee cup lids, or this might be your FIRST final warning.


And finally: Dear Corporate Helpdesk:

You can fire the guy who "helped" me last night.
He's an idiot.

Complimenting me on my knowledge of computers simply because I know how to tell if my internet is working is condescending and makes him sounds like a freaking moron.

Telling me to defrag my hard drive because I can't get an internet signal is stupid.

Telling me to schedule my defrags on a monthly basis is idiotic. I simply don't use enough of the hard drive capacity to need to do that JUST TO GET TO THE INTERNET!

Making me do an ipconfig/release/renew six brazilian times is beyond stupid. The IP still said, no matter HOW many times I did it.

The whole "restart your computer" thing? Asinine.

The final, incredible, jaw-droppingly vapid suggestion that somehow my MODEM wasn't working correctly and I'd have to call the Cable Company to fix the signal was the dripping clotty icing on the flaccid wet cake of his infinitesimal expertise. Holy crap what a doofus! The daggone modem was working FINE, the signal was getting to the computer (solid yellow light + blinkie green one = SIGNAL, which I TOLD him three separate times).
Call the cable company, my ass.

En-oh. NO. The cable was working fine, even I could tell that. The computer I had been working on that morning was fine. The ONLY DIFFERENCE between yesterday morning and last night was that I'd gotten a new computer from the corporate helpdesk (because my old one was starting to sport stripes on the screen, and even though stripes can be slimming they are a big fat pain in the ass when you're trying to use the computer), which I told dood about, and which he obviously ignored as being a potential problem. He OBVIOUSLY thought the problem was with ME, not with the COMPANY'S junk. The fucker.

This new computer, as it turned out I found out, didn't have the correct LAN configuration selected, but which helpless desk dude didn't think to think about nor tell me about, which indicates to me he doesn't KNOW about ,which is really really piss-poor service, if you ask me.

Once I (me, me, and only me!) checked the correct little box in the correct control panel (which I found after a short and reasonably intuitive search), I saw the LAN icons start blinking and sending and receiving.


I danced a little maybe, and also maybe shouted horrible things at your ignoramus of an employee, who'd wasted precious INTERNET TIME on useless switch-flipping and command typing.

It didn't take a freaking genius to figure it out. I did it myself. NOT your guy. NOT your helpless waste of sperm and egg. NOT that condescending slack-jawed yokel down in Texas who thought I was smart because I knew how to push a few buttons and throw a couple of kindergarten-level computer terms around (like "c-prompt"! oooooOOOOOoooooo!).

Fire him. He doesn't know shit about computers.

Hire me instead. I, at least, know how to deliver compliments so as not to sound like a hollow-noggined southern-fried ass-pucker.


XO, y'all.


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