So glad you asked

Come on in Rennratt, I'm ready for my interview.

Would you like something to drink? An Evian maybe? A cup of green tea?

I have canpaes and twizzlers; would you like some of those? No? OK then, let's get started. I'm ready. I was BORN ready. Hee hee! We used to say that in marching band, and it still gives me a little shiver to hear it in my head. I played the mellophone. Isn't that a weird name? Mellow-phone, dude. Like, totally.

What? You need to get started? You have to be someplace else? Pedicure appointment? OK, I guess we'd better get to it. Sorry about that.

You only have 5 questions? Really? I thought there would be more. Huh. Well then, this won't take long....

1. What do corned beef, a pocket full of skittles and a sailboat mean to you?

All at once, or taken individually? Oh, nevermind, I'll answer both ways, because I want you to know so much more about me than 5 simple questions can relate.

Taken individually, they mean as follows: St. Patrick's Day, a problem on laundry day, and drinking before noon. Taken together, they mean party party party party, puke a rainbow on the bay. (an aside: Sailing while hungover is NEVER a good idea. I did that once as a young woman, and won't ever look at a cuddy cabin the same way again. Hot, stuffy, and no head. Eesh!)

2. If you could only have FIVE words in your vocabulary, what would they be?

More. Faster. Goodnight. Please. Knockwurst.

3. You have created a new religion in your honor. What are the basic tenets, and how do you recruit people?

Oooooh! What a good questions! I've actually thought about this before, so how cool is it that you've asked me this question?

Really cool, that's what.

The rules are as follows: 1) no fighting, ever. 2) take care of the least among us, and realize that from time to time everyone will be the least. 3) a daily drink and 15-minute contemplation time. 4) puppies for everyone. 5) a required shoulder-massaging circle every worship time. 6) a weekly "make up your own anthem" competition, and 7) affirmation that the Earth and those in it are to be celebrated everyday, not just once a week.

I'd recruit people with the puppy thing. Who doesn't like puppies? Nobody, that's who.

4. If you had a one eyed tree frog for a pet, what would its name be?

Mort.

Why do you ask? Is this a trick question? Did I answer it right? You looked all squinchy there for a sec; I hope I didn't just remind you of something unpleasant. I do that sometimes, just blurt out something without thinking that maybe it might remind someone of a bad childhood memory. Did YOU have a pet one-eyed treefrog named Mort? No? Then why'd you look all squinchy? Isn't that a good name? Should I pick another one?

Wait - Don't print that. I don't like to look indecisive or overly-accommodating. It clashes with my public personna of tough biker chick with a heart of molten lava.

Do I get to approve the article before it's published? What do MEAN it's being published now? It's getting transcribed in real time? You're doing this LIVE? Ohmygosh, I didn't put on any makeup or tie my sandals! There's dog hair everywhere! Let me put a BRA on at least!

Oh, heh, right. Nobody can see me. Whew! Carry on then.

Is there another question? Oh, yay! There is! Give it to me!

5. If eggplants could talk, what would you talk to them about?

The vastness of the cosmos, what its favorite color is, how to polish a newt, and why biscuits are breakfast food in the United States and an after-tea treat in the United Kingdom. I might also want to know about its family, and which one of them left sneaker prints on my new rug.

That was fun! Are we all done? Really?

Gosh, that didn't take long. I'd really like to ask YOU some questions. I can? I can ask anybody questions if they ask me too? Now THAT'S cool.

How do I do that? Ooooo, there are RULES?

Hey, let me read them out loud so they get live-transcribed. I can't WAIT to see who wants me to ask THEM questions! Hooray for the internets!

Ahem. Here are the rules! Listen to me well, all y'all out there in internetlandia! (hee!) If you want me to interview YOU, here's what you DO:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2 I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.