One more for the pizza

what he ought to be able to keep

I feel bad for Joe Rat, I really do.  This whole retirement thing is more than just quitting a job!  Think of it - No more fancy shoes, no more gilded capes, no more tall hats, no more ring kissing and bowing and scraping and general adulation.  No more Popemobile, no more staff of thousands catering your every whim and meal, no more having the ear of God.  Nope – all that will be gone, along with the title.  

 

So what happens to a Pope that chooses to leave his post?  It’s not happened in a few hundred years, so it’s not very likely that an SOP for this sort of thing has been updated in a while.  Does he get security to guard him?  Maybe a Pope-mo-scooter or something to carry him to the local bodega for cigars and Red Bull?  Can he at least keep the rad shoes that were specially made for his feet only and likely are as buttery soft as a kitten’s tummy?  It’s not like anyone else is looking to get into them, because ew, used shoes.

I’m concerned for JR, I really am.  Eighty-five years old and voluntarily thrusting himself into the cold cruel world with very little in the way of recent experience or exposure.  What knowledge does he have of teevees with remote controls and more than 3 channels?  What can he possibly know about debit cards and self-serve grocery store lines?  Who will teach him about recycling?  What support will there be to walk him through the precise steps in making mac and cheese?

It’s not like he can go get him a wife to do these things, either.  Unless by retiring from Popeliness he’s also retiring from the cloth in toto.  Could that be it?  Could that actually be the reason he’s letting all the pomp and circumstance go?  He’s falling in love with a hot chick and wants to get hitched?  He’s finally ready to make that lifelong commitment to someone and let her have a piece of his holiness, if you know what I mean?  Nothing is impossible, I say.  Who could it be, I wonder?  It’s not like the Papal manse is stuffed full of women, really.  Cook’s aide?  Housekeeper?  Crossdresser in a Cardinal’s costume?  Say, which one of those dudes in the red coats might just be a dudette, staying close by Papa’s side, supporting him through thick and thin?  Find 'him' and I'm betting THAT’S our gal, right there.

Yep – that’s the ticket.  The Pope is in love and is abdicating his throne for a chance at some sweet lurve.  

Either that or the Death Star is up and running again, and he’s being called home.

Nothing else makes sense.