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RIPPED (OFF) FROM THE NEWS!!

Dodd draws fire for tortured tale

Conneticut Senator Chris Dodd is joining other political notables and creating artworks for a new book on acceptable interrogation practices. "My Little Iron Maiden" is due out in time for Hallowe'en '09.

Ski helmet law mulled after Richardson death

The unfortunate passing of actress Natasha Richardson has caused some lawmakers to steep a possible new helmet law in a potent mixture of cloves, lemon, and port wine. What this has to do with passing new legislation protecting us from ourselves is unknown, but it certainly sounds delicious!

Private inspections of food companies seen as weak

"The food companies that are seen as strong do not need to be inspected," says Ginny Mustardtumble, chief administrative Poobah of Crop Sciences in the Name of Justice and the American Way of the FDA.

(Enter one of this writer's pet peeves - a quote of 5 words followed by a 30-word description of who said those words. Why, oh WHY, can we not use footnotes?)

African Union suspends Madagascar

In an effort to garner more international attention to the plight of the downtrodden in Africa, the AU consulted with top illusionists and has sucessfully plucked Madagasacar from the Indian Ocean and positioned it over The Hague. "Nothing says 'pay attention to us' more than a million or so frantically screaming people hovering 100 feet over your heads" said Mkembe Utumo, Chief Resident Consult of Publicity for the AU.

NFL players promoting improved physical education

This might take a while.

Melting snow threatens spring flooding in north

Hikers in the Mashapacket State Forest reported that they heard muffled shouts coming from a snow-covered hillside. At first they thought another hiker had been trapped in an unreported avalanche, but were shocked to discover that the snow itself was screaming. Belle Gustfmacher, one of the 16-year-old hikers, reported that "the snow was yelling 'MFGRBL Flood - you GOIN' DOWWWNNNNGRRRRBLL'." Her hiking partner, also 16 years old and named Bucky McFinster (after the famous 16th century bare-knuckle boxer) offered that the snow also may have said some swear words, but that he wasn't going to repeat them in public because "swears are something you do in private, not in front of people who might not care to hear them." This reporter went to the scene of the alleged threatning activity, and heard nothing untoward except a bit of soft muttering from a few patches of slush.

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And now you're all caught up on the news. Have a wonderful day.