Or not.
The NOT part being how even though I might not have one single smidgen of a hairless clue about certain things, I will talk as though I do with a vague but knowing air, and most people listen to me because I seem to know what I'm talking about and I do so with such sincerity that they don't know until the very end (and maybe not even then) that my words were nothing more than a raft of crap that won't hold water.
(ewwww! Mixing metaphors is dangerous work kids! Know what you're doing before you attempt this at home, or you could have similarly disastrous results!).
I look at this as skill.
Not the metaphor mixing. The raft-making.
I would have been a tremendous used-car salesperson, if only I could have convinced myself that forsaking all my morals and lying to innocent people on a continuous basis were things for which the word "aspiration" was coined.
I'm not THAT good salesperson, and couldn't even convince myself of this...
To appease my fuzzy sense of unease at my shimmed-up and rickety attempts at a knowing and sophisticated facade, I have convinced myself that a lot of people forge through this world in a similar "make-piece" fashion, hoping that what they're pretending to be is what they're supposed to know and how they're supposed to act and that the scrim of believability they've erected in front of the real them really really looks like what they want themselves to resemble.
For example, I would like people to see me as a competent professional person with a firm understanding of many things literal and political, who also dabbles with some degree of success in writing and music, who enjoys witty banter with collegial folk of all backgrounds, and who finds beauty in even the most mundane happenstances of life.
Behind the scrim-shield of this fantasy-desire is that, in reality, I am a befuddled middle-aged woman who feels like a sham in her job, doesn't get Sartre or Marx and can't be bothered to learn to like them, gave up the ax and pen for "practicality" (and fears the rust will never shake loose once allowed its foothold), frequently sticks a clammy calloused foot in her gaping maw of stupidity and self-involvement, and often is too busy to notice what's going on around her.
And so, I throw up the screen, thinking that maybe if I ACT the way I want to BE, then the acting will take over and the being will become. I will evolve. I will emerge. I will, perhaps, grow up.
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Yeah, right. As if THAT'S ever going to happen.
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If you could go back to a certain age in your life, what would it be?
I'd choose 6, 19, 25, and 33 for starters.
Maybe one day I'll tell you why.
5 comments:
I think I know what you mean, only with me, I sometimes have the role of authority foisted upon me and find myself compelled to "fake it" to live up to other's expectations. I hate it when clients look to me to be the "expert," for instance, forcing me to go "blah, blah, blah," while inside I'm thinking, "What the hell am I saying?" I makes me feel like a complete imposter.
However, when the mantle of authority is NOT thrust upon me, my big problem is over-modesty and selling myself too short.
As far as the age thing goes, I'm digging 50 right now, believe it or not.
Hey - you CAN sound competent about most things - just talk over a loud-speaker. People believe anything said over a faceless microphone ("mmm-hmmm, must be God speaking Marge"). Tee hee, could be a fun experiment! I knew a guy who worked at Kings Dominion once who told people all kinds of crap when they were riding the monorail. They believed everything he said!
I am with you, sister. At my office, I am looked upon as One of the Wise*; I began as the receptionist and am now management. People come to me for counseling, training - and pens. When they ask me about the computer system (built in the Dark Ages and run by a Troll in Chicago), I run through at breakneck speed, hoping they will catch on. In my head, I am thinking 'I have no friggin clue what I just said...'
(*I am the only girl. I am also the one with the temper).
Regarding age: Life started to get really good when I hit thirty; I am facing 3-5 this summer and CAN NOT WAIT!
Guys, guys - how awesome!
I'm not the only one!!
Mr S - we need to have lunch and talk about corporate fakery. I could comp it as a business trip if you could initiate the PO.
Hov62 - Honey, a mic and an idea sounds like great fun.
Renn - 35 is just the start of knowing what you're all about. I love being almost 44, and amenthusiastic about what's around every corner.
Hey all you barking monkeys....BS on the age thing. Yeah, sure, age is wasted on the young...and I sure know soooo much more than I did at 25, BUT man I had fun and would go back in a HEART BEAT and listen to Talking Heads, and pretend to slam dance with a long neck budweiser beer balanced on my head at the mystic den....Yup, thats what I would do.
And then theres the acting like you know what you are talking about...You know, so much of it has to do with the Condescending Voice. I'm really good at that part of it...Using the Condescending Voice, and immediately adopting the College Professor Demeanor, you can say ANYTHING, and it must be true. Also, being an accountant, Acronyms work very nicely, in conveying the I am so superior to you management types - tanks again tiff
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