Monday, July 27, 2009


I like being helpy, and that prediliction found me spending a fair chunk of Saturday assisting Biff with reno work on a client’s house. My part was to paint a new exterior wall. The wall was about 10 feet high and probably 20 feet wide. About 200 square feet of wall, if you're the mathy type.

That little chunk of wall? It took me over 4 hours to finish.

In fairness, MOST of the wall was made up of 2 new 8-foot sliding glass doors, which meant that the bits of slight shaggy cedar siding I was painting were fraught with fussy little cut-ins and lots of edging, but damn. That’s a lot of time spent for very little return, ya know?

In additon to being a glacially SLOW painter, I am also not a neat painter, as least as far as my personal body goes. Within a few minutes of starting I’d already gotten paint under my fingernails (how? HOW?!?) and rubbed on the ass of my shorts. Oh, I don’t ‘splatter’ so much as ‘smudge,’ which was good for the deck but not-so-good for my wardrobe.

Eh. It saved Biff a half day’s worth of tedium, so there’s a good Tiff for helping out.


Dear Sarah Palin,

I heard an outtake of your going-away speech this morning.

Let me say this: I am so VERY glad you’re not the Vice President now. If that shriek-fest was any indication of how you’d behave and how you’d sound when put into a stressful situation that might or might NOT involve Armageddon, then it’s absolutely best for eveyone that you are not anywhere near any little red buttons.

Point for ya to consider:“Shrill” is NOT the first word people should think about you.

I'm afraid that if you were to be in a position of any power whatsoever, just the sound of your voice alone could cause heretofore unkown ranks of frothing jihadists to identify the United States as a threat, so grating is it on the frayed nerves of a weary world. We do not need more jihadists, or their ilk, to be aiming their ire at us, don't you think? I mean, gosh, angry Russians could practially WALK to Alaska and start bashing baby Americans about the head and neck with empty vodka bottles, and that would totally suck, right?

Therefore, while I cannot control the content of what comes out between your meticulously glossed lips, I can hand out a few tips on increasing your listen-ability, for I was once a paid radio announcer and therefore know of what I speak.

For someone as vocally...challenged... as you are, might I suggest that before you make one more speech, or launch another foray into politics on a larger stage or, dare I say it, make a run for the Presidency (shudder), you consider taking up smoking a pack of Marlboro Reds a day and commence with heavy bourbon intake? FYI - Tequila will suffice if you’re not into the brown water. See, the smokes and the liquor, if indulged in for long enough, should bring your eye-pooping pitch down to a more soothing level, or at least irritate your throat so much you can’t SCREAM INTO THE MIC, you rabid twang-ridden cheerleader.

Put it this way: I’d rather listen to a chorus of frogs than one tiny mosquito, anyday.

Hope this helps!



And that'll do it for today. I've made too many false starts on stuff that didn't wind up in here today to try any further.

Rock on until tomorrow!

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