Monday, October 20, 2008

My office is somewhere on Hoth, apparently

Dear Facilities Gurus at my Workplace,

Hi guys! It's Tiff with the weather report from my part of the building! Did you know that it's frakking FREEZING all up in here?

A smidge of heat would work wonders. No, really! Just a degree, or maybe two if you can spare them would be great.

If the deep freeze in which I and my fellow corner-of-the-building compatriots call our workspace isn’t corrected soon, we’re at risk of going all Phillip J. Fry on you and THEN where will you be? You’ll be without your stats guy, your senior programmer, and without 2 of the company's 3 medical writers, and I don’t think you want to be responsible for that. Not that you’d really CARE about what happened to the aformentioned folks, because you do not use our services, but suffice it to say that if WE 4 go, so goes the company.

(Not that I hold myself in such high regard, but when a company only HAS one stats guy and one lead programmer, then there’s cause to coddle those people with warm gusts of air and perhaps their own coffee maker/beer tap. Get to work on that, mmkay?)

So please, Facilities guys. Have some pity on us who reside at the farthest end of the HVAC conduits, and turn up the heat a touch. Otherwise? I’m coming down to YOUR offices to work, because I know you’re right next to the boiler room, which I know works, because other people in this building don’t have blue fingers and lips, and indeed do not need to be clutching a paper cup of rapidly cooling coffee in their hands at all times just to keep their fingers nimble enough to work the keyboard.

I see warm people, and I envy them. As we all know, Facilities guys, envy is a deadly sin, right up there with greed and sloth. You’re making me SIN, fellas, and by forcing me into sin you’re sinning yourself, you know that? God is watching you, he sees everything you do, he knows you’re hanging out in your toasty offices down by the boiler and silently laughing at us Elites who simply type all day long. Your silent mockery is sinful too, it belies a hard heart, one that is not open to giving like it should be. Look it up, Facilities Jerks – it’s in every sacred text ever written. Do unto others, you BTU-penurious douchnozzles! Let the heat flow!

It’s for your own safety that you do this. I am getting angry, but it's too cold for blood-boiling. Do you KNOW how frustrating that is?

Don’t make me come down there. Do it for the baby Jesus, and God, and your Mom, and the smell of fresh sheets. Do it for the little people, the ones you hold captive in the secure knowledge that you have the badges of power that allow you access to the holy Shrine of Expendable kCals. Do it for me, and all the others who have acclimated to the scorch of summer and who were ill-prepared for the sudden change of weather, the scrim of FROST on our cars this morning, those of us who don’t know where their coats are, who forgot where they put their gloves and hats and who are amazed even at their advanced age that sometimes their breath is visible. Have mercy on us, you rotten heat misers!

My tears, they freeze on my cheeks as I type this with fingers stiffened by the cold. The edges of my vision are graying out as ice forms over the whites of my eyes. Please, do something soon, or my life (and the lives of the stats man and the programmer dude and the other writer-wench) will be lost because you are sinners and mean and stupid poopy-heads.

With ire,

For stuff like this I got an award. NCP? You know not what you've done, but thanks!

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