Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Put this in the "oh good lord" category

This just in from the Yahoo "odd news" desk: A growing number of vegans are shunning sex with meat-eaters because meat-eaters are viewed as a "graveyard for animals."

Yeah, whatever.

Listen folks - I was a vegataranian for a few years, and by and large still don't eat a lot of meat, so I'm not all about the vegeratarian-hating here. I happen to think it's a healthy lifestyle, and if I didn't like BURGERS so daggone much I'd go ahead and make the switch back to an all-veg diet. Really, it's not that hard to be vegetarian anymore, what with the Boca Burgers and the Tofu Pups and the TVP by the pound and the MEXICAN FOOD and the yummy yummy other ethnic foods (Ethiopian anyone? Indian? A little dab-a sushi, y'all?), so don't go saying that "oh I'd be one too but it's so difficult to find things to eat!" because I will not believe you.

However, VEGANS are another thing entirely. They're the left-wing liberal vegetarians. They're HARD CORE, folks, no mistake about it. The only ones more hardcore veggie than the vegans are the "raw food" propenents, and I can't even wrap my walnut-sized brain around what spurs someone on to THOSE gustatory heights. THAT shit shounds hard to do.

So, what is a vegan, and why would they want to shun the "animal graveyard" meat-eaters?

Let's find out.

This is from Vegan Action's website: a vegan (pronounced VEE-gun) is someone who, for various reasons, chooses to avoid using or consuming animal products. While vegetarians choose not to use flesh foods, vegans also avoid dairy and eggs, as well as fur, leather, wool, down, and cosmetics or chemical products tested on animals.

Wait a sec! Wait just a darn minute! There's a distinct admonition in the pronounciation guide that we are to say "vegan" word with "GUN" as the second syllable. Might I suggest that this is a subliminal move to clothe violence in the guise of "cruelty free" living? Why GUN, for goodness sake? Why not "GAN" or "GIN" (with a soft g)? Vee-GUN, say it correctly, and ponder on the hidden criminal intent in that one small syllable....

It's important to remember though, that guns don't kill people, people kill people. OK, so maybe the VeeGUNS aren't wanting to kill people so much. Maybe that's a good thing. The NRA and the VeeGUNS agree on that, I'm sure. Killing people is bad, no matter what.

Moving on then, to the real meat of the matter (hee! see what I just did there?): the vegan eschewment of all things animal. I have a problem with this, in that not only do they not utilize the milk and eggs that flow from the rich farmland of our country, but they turn up their noses at USING the products from the vast undulating herds of domesticated livestock for which our forebears sacrificed so much!

It's clear from their snubbing of all things animal that the Vegans hate animals and want to killthem off by rendering them useless hulks of grass-chomping methane producers. They're undermining a part of our history, those wily vegans are, and they're slowly undercutting the needs for these animals to exist. The vegans are acting as an agent of extinction, right under our noses!

Can we allow this to occur? Can we allow the murderous vegans to cause the disappearance of one of the pillars of our national economy while simultaneously pointing the flames of hatespeak against those of us who are doing their part to keep the ranching economy on a firm foundation and the existence of our herds of livestock in good standing by utilizing them as GOD INTENDED?

Can we? People, CAN WE?

I would submit that we cannot.

At the very least, we should make every attempt possible to at least have sex with vegans. They should get to know what it's like to be close to the animal population that they're causing to dwindle into a tiny pinprick on the horizon of history. Why, it's practially a moral duty to shag a vegan today! Go on, get to it!

Then tell me how it was....I'm totally dying to know.


No animals were harmed in the making of this post. No vegans were consulted in the writing of this post. No actual people were interviewed, no facts were checked, and also no leather was worn. As a matter of fact, I haven't even had breakfast yet, so I'm a vegan by default today! It stands to reason then that I now have to go have sex with myself. Again. If I can figure out how to explain the paradox to myself I should be both a pissed-off vegan and a very happy camper when it's all over.......

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