Monday, July 10, 2006

Handy Tips from Tiff

----NEW FEATURE ALERT!-----

Because I try to do something useful almost every day, and, perhaps more importantly, because I'm a fabulous purveyor of opinion, both requested and not, I thought that it might be time for a new feature here on NAY, in which I try to help you, dear reader, through some common life issues by using my own life as an example.

Therefore, it is my distinct pleasure to offer you:

Handy Tips from Tiff for a Life of Peace and Tranquility

Tip 1 - Face Saver! If you're going to make a music video, use this one as the baseline of what your video should be better than. Especially the dancing. And maybe even the hair. I won't even mention the outfits.

Tip 2 - Stress saver! If you work near an airport, it's good idea to view air travel positively, rather than chanting "please don't fall out of the sky" whenever a jet takes off over your head as you're driving into work.

Tip 3 - Frustration Saver! If you're going to have a dream in which you're a young Thai girl with bouncy boobs who is clad only in a leather thong while searching frantically for a lover to ease the raging physical craving that infuses your whole body with a sharp sense of longing, it's useful to try to set the dream someplace that's NOT a bus station bathroom. Your chances of sleepytime scoring will be much, much better, I promise.

Tip 4 - Sleep Saver! If you're looking to find a nice place to get some shut-eye so that you can have the dream in Tip 3 (though not intentionally, perhaps) and you have already nixed sleeping with your husband because in his dreams he's apparently a big-game hunter who is actively chasing a herd of antelope across the wide plains of the Serengeti, complete with arm waving and guttural exhortations, do NOT choose to sleep where the cat does. Cats are nocturnal, and love to have company in the night so that they can show off their eating, peeing, pooping, purring, and playing skillz. For hours. And hours.

Tip 5 - Gorge Saver! If you smell something bad coming from the trunk of your car, hold your breath before opening the hatch to make your investigations as to what the source of the stench might be. Because it might be a pool of greenish goo swirling nauseatingly around the spare tire well, and it might have little bits of something that might be meat in it, and it might just smell like a dead mouse. Even if it's not.

So, there you go - Handy Tips from Tiff installment #1.

Here's hoping they work for YOU!

8 comments:

Wordnerd said...

Uh, yeah, this one is getting printed out.

tiff said...

I recommend everyone do the same. :>

Tracy Lynn said...

Right on the fridge it goes.

Rick said...

Good gawd, that's a bad video! Up With People meets the Finnish Fifties.

WordsRock said...

Alrighty then. Tips I was not aware I needed. My thanks. I think. :)

Deb R said...

Those are all truly excellent tips for a better life. I can't wait for the next installment!

Hyperion said...

Two questions: Is the Thai girl a hooker, and how bouncy should her boobs be?

Oh, and I want an explanation next to my name on your "Go! Read!" Acceptable blurbs would be

"Not Just a Website, a Way of Life"

"What My Life has always been missing"

or

"10 Orgasms in a 5 Orgasm Bag"

tiff said...

TL - in pretty colors, maybe?

White guy - I saw up with people as a girl, and they were better.

Wordsrock - fear not, for there will be more. Maybe. :>

DebR - You have the Thai girl dream too?

Hyperion - I'll see what I can do! But we gotta keep it clean for the kiddies, so mayeb te last one's out.