Friday, July 07, 2006

Carnival of the Mundane 14 - Freak Show Junk Mail

I've worked at the Post Office Office of Forwards for a long time now. It's not the job that keeps me coming back, really, it's the acronym. Hard to hate a job that is so well described in just a few letters like that.
I send the mail to where it's supposed to go. Mostly it's making sure all those "change of address" stickers get put on your mail when you move, but that doesn't last more than a year, so I never really get a sense of who most of the customers of P.O.O.F are.
That's different with the Carnival of the Mundane's Freak Show, because they're always on the road, and they write to me to tell me where they're going to be each week so they can get their mail. I'm friends with them, kind of, and they rely on me. They're a baker's dozen of oddiments, that's for dang sure.
You would not believe the stuff they get. Lemme show ya!
Right here is a new copy of Drunkard Wranglers magazine for Hyperion, the strong man. You'd think a guy his size wouldn't need tips on how to handle himself, but I hear he's a pussycat, and I guess everybody needs help from time to time.
Then there's Doug, who's letting his subscription to hahacomix lapse again. I know he likes the Xtreme adventure in Mediocrity section, so I don't know what's up with him. He's the gosh-danged Soothsayer of the group and should really KNOW when his stuff is coming to term, wouldn't you think?
Boy, here's another batch of fast food coupons for Wordnerd, who usually works the age and weight booth because of that extra brain lobe she's got. Sure hope she's having better luck at the drive through than she did a while ago.
Hmm, looks like Kapgar, the alligator boy, is taking that recent episode of thievery pretty darn seriously, because it looks from this like he's signed up for a correspondance course in numchuckery. I pity the fool who tries to dupe him if he finishes the class. With those chucks and his big ol' pointy teeth he'd scare the bejeebers outta anybody!
Now, what's all this? Michelle, the contortionist, is getting weekend invites to a yoga camp? Pssht! Like she needs it. Hear tell she can lick her own elbow. I'd like to see that someday.
Let's see, oh, here's a good one. Muse is getting a new copy of "Road Rage Magazine," I wonder if her bus story is in it? Too bad it's wrapped in plastic, or I'd take a peek. It's not every day you get to read a story written by a 3-legged beauty queen, now is it?
Boy, they get so MUCH mail. Not all of it is all that interesting, and most of the boring stuff I just throw out, but here's one for Miriam The Half-Girl about a new used bookstore opening up that I guess I'll send along. She oughtta like that. I just hope THIS place has ladders so she can reach the higher shelves.
Now here's something special that I think Tracy Lynn, the Laser-Beam Woman might like. The Grande Olde Spectacle Shoppe is having a blowout sale! She burns through glasses like noody's business and might like to have a couple of new pairs that can withstand her blazing eyeball power.
Looks like I'm getting to the bottom of the pile here. Better pick up speed, it's almost break time here at P.O.O.F.
Leesepea, the new conductor of the flea circus's band, seems to be getting a LOT of mail from tour companies about Alaska. This hot weather must be getting to her. Wonder if she needs a bunkmate? I could use a break from the heat as well, or at least an air conditioner. Cheapskates at P.O.O.F won't spring for anything but a fan.
Ah, one for Lisa, the web-footed wonder. Looks like some personal mail...I'll bet it's about her kid, L'il Duck and what he's up to. Guess I'd better send that one on too.
Only a couple more to sort through. Too bad, because these guys get the most interesting mail! Once I'm done here it's back to pasting on stickers again...
Oh boy, here we go. Neil, The Human Diving Board, is getting hate mail from those sitcom people again. I could tell him things about how to behave in public, but he won't listen. He's just much too rigid.
Hey! Here's one for Folkcat, the tiger lady! Looks like a new piece of electronic tomfoolery is being sent to her house. Sure hope they FIND it this time, because I can't stand having to send things more than once, especially packages. It's too much like work to do all that chasing around. Whadda they think, I got 4 arms or something?
Well, here's the end of the bag - one for Kingfisher, the conjoined triplet. It's their newest installment of "Moon Houses Monthly Magazine." Some day, buddy, SOMEday regular jamokes like you will have your place in the sky, where the gravity that holds your bodies to this earth will be loosened and you can bounce like a cheerleader across the dusty terrain......
Guess I'd better go get these out to the truck. The freak show is all over the place nowadays, and are probably wanting their mail.
Nice talking with ya, stop by again anytime, and if I'm in the back just ask for Tiff, the 4-armed woman.


Tracy Lynn said...

BWAHAHAHAHHAAHA! Very nice. Well done you!

Wordnerd said...

Fan-FREAKIN'-tastic!!!! Great job!

Deb R said...

ROFL! Great carnival, Tiff!

PS...Who wouldn't like to be able to tell people they work at POOF?! :-D

kapgar said...

Very cool!

Was it seriously just a coincidence that you called me "Alligator Boy" or had you visited my Flickr page?

tiff said...

TL - Hope ya liked the personna I picked for ya. :> -

WN - danke mucho, friend!

DebR - it was your idea!

kapgar - you know, I did check out the flickr page, but don't recall any alligators in it. Now I must go there again.

leesepea said...


Now what the hell kinda theme am I gonna use when it's my turn to host?

tiff said...

leesepea -I recommend asking DebR. :>

Chelle said...

Awesome!! I've said it before and I'll say it again; You rock!

Love the way you wrote this Carnival!

mr. schprock said...

Good work, Tiff. You solved it!

rennratt said...

That, my friend, was awesome.

Doug said...

Thanx for the mention TIFF - I almost feel a little guilty about all of those horrible things I wrote about you on the bathroom wall. But don't worry, I'm pretty sure I got your phone number wrong.

PS - Just in case, if anyone calls asking for a "Dirty Sanchez Special", just pretend you don't know what they are talking about...

Neil said...

That was hilarious.

tiff said...

mmm3 - I also roll. :>

Mr S - next time, you enter, 'kay?

renn - you too.

doug - it's better than the cleveland steamer by a long shot. I charge extra for that one.

neil - God, I hope so!

Mama Duck said...

Ha ha ha, that is too sweet!