Friday, January 14, 2011

Finda da Pope inna Pizza!

Dear Popetacular John Paul 2,

Congratulations on being all set to be beatified. Dude, you totally healed a woman, a NUN no less, of her Parkinson's disease, AFTER YOU DIED! That is extra rock star of you, man. I mean, yes, it was nice of her to pray to you for healing, because who doesn't like a nice hearty ego stroke like that, but shoot, doing a miracle post-mortem is hard core. It would have been way easier to do while you were still shuffling around in the meat suit, is what I'm guessing, so woo to you for being super-spiritual about it. AMAZING! Good job, your Popeliness!

But, sadly, JP2, my man, you'll have to do another miracle to become a saint. Yessir, 2 miracles are required, and don't go re-healing this one lady if she relapses because that would be a weak move. You'll have to do better than that, man. Shoot, you're beatified, which gives you special beatifical powers! You can move up to really spectacular miracles with that kind of canonical bling! So, if you don't mind, I've come up with a few ideas for that second miracle, in case you've not already got a project in the works are simply aren't thinking big enough yet:

  1. No more live-action comic book movies, ever.
  2. Make Kim Jong Il wear nothing but HuggyBear outfits for the rest of his days. WITH A HAT!
  3. Bring back the Muppet Show.
  4. This extra 30 pounds I'm carrying around? Banish it from me. Do a little smiting, is what I'm saying. It'll make you feel good, the smiting, trust me.
  5. The next time it snows, I'd like the snowflakes to be pink. That'd be miraculously cool.
  6. Guy Fieri's hair - you know what needs to be done.

See, JP2 - I thought you were a pretty good Pope, and even though I'm not Catholic and therefore don't really understand why people are praying to YOU for healing when they really can go straight to the Big Guy at the Top, it was cool of you to heal that lady the way you did, and clearly doing it after you died is super-awesome of you, so I sort of want you to be a saint after going to all that effort. If some of the ideas I've put on the table don't work out for you, just check the comments of this entry, because I'm sure there are folks out there who can come up with other great miracle ideas, like bringing Billy Mays back or making Hillary Clinton stop using 'uh' and ''um" as verbal fillers or making pizza calorie-free because it's so delicious.

Or making all dogs be self-cleaning, or turning pennies into butterflies, or causing all garden gnome statues to come to life and amuse us with peppy song and dance numbers.

You know, MIRACULOUS miracles.


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