Wednesday, December 08, 2010

With Love from Dee Dee McPherson

Hey look – there’s this blog thing laying around. I wonder what it does? I see that someone’s been using it to write in, but hasn’t been here in a while. It’s been days since they used it last, so obviously they don’t need it anymore or are on vacation and probably won’t mind if I play with it for a while. I mean, you wouldn’t just leave a perfectly good blog thing if you were going to USE it, would you?

Anyhow, I’m betting that whoever owns this blog won’t mind if I use it for a little while. They can’t be the ONLY one to get tot enjoy it, right? And if they’re not using it, someone else should so it doesn’t get all rusty and start smelling like the inside of a packing box left out in the sun for a day that accidentally contained mothballs and old socks. That would, quite literally, stink. So, I’ll take it out and give it a good airing, so that when the person who DOES own this blog comes back they won’t be all ‘ew’ at how musty it’s gotten. It’s too pretty for that. I mean, really, just look at the girl up there in the header - she doesn’t deserve to be the icon of a stinky old blog, does she? I think she deserves to be resident on a shiny pretty blog that smells like vanilla icing and tastes like Skittles. She needs a little glitter, a little pizazz, a little caring for!

I don't think I like the list of big words over there on the right. I wonder if they’re real words, or if the person who called them ‘porn’ is somehow pulling a fast one on us? Not like I’m going to look them up, because for every big word there are, like, 4 perfectly good little ones that need to be used. So who really cares what ‘hordoleum’ means? I’m thinking whoever own this blog might get rid of that and replace it with something shiny, like a link to a game site or something. Same for the tired old blogroll, because seriously, nobody does that anymore? I’ll bet half the links are dead. Plus which, if it was a good blogroll (not that anybody does that anymore, right?) it should at least roll up in some cool way, and not just sit there taking up space. A touch of animation never hurts anything. Same for the archives. Sheesh, at least give the reader something to play with! I guess I could tinker around with those features, but like I mentioned before this isn’t MY blog, and who knows if the person who really owns it is savvy enough with the coding and widgets to even USE them? Besides, it’s not like this is The Huff Post or or anything that lots of people actually read. I guess it’s good enough to have static archives and an outdated Blogroll if there’s a fair chance nobody’s going to use them.

Not that I don’t LIKE this blog, but it could be shinier and fresher. Where’s the ‘wow’ factor? Where’s the cool individualized header with some neat tabs or a floaty navigation bar? Where’s the autoplay video of the owner and the list of favorite Twitter sites? Man, it looks like whoever owns this blog doesn’t even TWEET, can you believe it? What are they, like, 40 or something? Not tweeting is SO old-person-ish of them. How do they expect to get popular if they’re not twittering about this blog? Come on, even a pretty blog like this (minus those issues I just mentioned) won’t attract attention and traffic if word’s not getting put out. Someone needs to talk to whoever owns this thing and get them into the 21st century already, you know? With a little social networking they could have a real following.

Oh man. It looks like they don’t even have a link to their Facebook page. I’m saying Facebook because the more I look at this blog the more I think the person who owns it is old. Clearly, if they were hip they’d be linking to MySpace, amirite? Facebook would be more their speed if they were, like, more than 30. Which I think they are, being as how all those things I’ve just spent time pointing out.

So, yeah. It’s a perfectly good blog, but could use some work. Not that I’m trying to make the owner feel bad or anything, but shoot, there’s just so much they could do with it that’s not happening. Maybe if I hang around long enough they’ll come back and I can tell them about how they could really work this thing for max impact. Everyone could use a little help, right? It would be a good thing to point out how, with my help, their blog could really shine. I’m sure they won’t mind if I just, you know, hung out and helped.

Because, honestly, the design isn’t the only thing that could use some sprucing up. I’ve read some of the entries and there’s not ONE mention of Twilight or Justin Bieber. Seriously, I know. They totally need my help.

So, I’m going to go get myself a tall skinny no-whip soy lattachino and wait to see if anyone comes by here to pick up this neglected blog. Then I’ll nicely tell them all about my ideas, and then they’ll probably want to pay me for the great advice, and then we’ll whip this thing into super-sparkly glittertastic shape. I’m so excited!

Oh, and hey – if you read this and have any ideas for whoever owns this blog about what YOU would like to see changed, and maybe what they can write about that’s not boring or stupid or so old-personish that nobody can relate, I think there’s a comments feature you can use. Come on, it’s fun, and who knows when the next time be that you get to change the course of history? Probably never, so grab it while you can!


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