Friday, May 07, 2010

Paging Mr. Belvedere

One problem with having Networked blogs feed posts to Facebook is that only the first few lines of the post show up on the feed, which means that 1) they should be 'grabby' (if, in fact you want people to read them), 2) one must shelve the profanity until later in the post, if one feels like using such language (ahem), 3) whatever is posted contains NO REFERENCE to people who might read that post.

I can see you've never really thought about this before, so I am here to help by providing examples of bad choice in first paragraph writing as follows (language alert, for the sensitive among you):

A) Day 5 of the grass-growing extravaganza is going pretty well. Overnight some blades shot up 6 mm! There was 0.8 inches of precipitation in the past 24 hours, most of it happening between midnight and 4 a.m. The earth smells like cuttlefish. Air temps are rising from a low of 53 F at 5 a.m. through the 60's and are projected by 3 p.m. to be up to 72 F. Must sharpen mower blades as there are some ragged edges on the fescue.

B) that bitch Karli is soooo gonna get it after school tomorrow. 'ho was caught by S with a pic of J on her cellie, and he's MY CRUSH! imma whak her up so bad shes gonna want to call her mama LAST WEEK to rescue her fat ass. fo rlz.

C) This one time, at band camp....

D) My boss, that dickmuch Albert Corngoggles, is pissing me off so bad I think I might have to kill him good and dead before Monday rolls around. As if working at Bloviation Systems isn't bad enough, he's got to go and tell me to not wear my cutoffs too work on Fridays anymore. Holy shit man! WTF? It's FRIDAY, 'casual Friday,' you prim f-cker! The one day of the week where I, the junior G-d damned staff associate can be MYSELF and some retard in Dockers and boat shoes is going to tell ME how to dress? Piss off, you button-down pole-rammer! God, how I'd like to see him shoved headfirst into an industrial meat-grinder.

E) Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me...

F) i was talking with gina the other day about these really kewt shoes and she said that i should maybe go try them on at the kohl's before ordering them but i said no way because I know my feet are size 6always have been but do you know she had the nerve to tell me that maybe their not bcs feet sometimes grow and mine might have bcs she saw them in the lokker room monday and they looked all bloaty and hot but ha on her that was because i was on my period and stuff always bloats up then right? anyways....

G) We, as congregants of the Westboro Baptist Church....

And on and on.

Disclaimer: This admonition to carefully craft the first few lines of any new blog post only holds if, in fact, you have reason to believe that those people who see the feed might be offput by what you post. If you are NOT in that overly PC bunch, then of course feel free to go all Kaply on your blog and use words like 'fuck' at regular intervals. Why not go whole hog and just use fuck in the post title too, because that gets uploaded in BOLD font, which, really, is kind of awesome!

In all seriousness, I wish I was more like Kaply and felt entirely free to use use the words that are in my head, but my Mom sometimes read this blog, and my family too. And people from church. And former colleagues. And maybe some folks out there I've never met and who don't comment here so I have no idea who they are (including YOU, new follower! You're pretty! Or...handsome. Pick your take). Not to mention I'm FB friends with my kids and nephews, who might think I'm more genteel than I really am and who I don't want to ruin entirely just yet.

It is for those folks I've started watching my virtual mouth. At least for the first few lines. The rest of you just need to keep on reading until the good stuff starts to happen. If it ever really does. Dooce has nothing to worry about from this blog, is what I'm sayin'.


Please feel free to throw me a pity party in the comments as I won't be able to sleep in EITHER DAY this weekend because The Most Unfortunate Boy (Thing 2) has a snow-day make-up day tomorrow (!) starting at 8, and Sunday I'm Info-boothing my little heart out at church for the early service.

Oh bed, how I will miss you.


Well, it's time to git.

Have a wonderful weekend, folks. , and get an extra few minutes' sleep for me, mmkay?

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