Thursday, September 04, 2008

High heels and underwear

Something weird happened to me this morning.

I dressed up for work.

I'm wearing clicky-on-the-floor high heels, which make me feel like a noob trannie when I walk, and for some reason I put on UNDERWEAR under my skirt.

Skirt? Undies? Heels?!?!?

What can this mean? This is so not like me that the people who know me in real life should probably stage some kind of intervention. Because - Heels? Really? High heeled PUMPS with a tiny bow on the front, no less. It's still a mystery to me as to why I bought them in the first place, and now they're on my feet, forcing me to take care how I walk, and adding the extra bonus of making your truly an honest 6 feet tall.

Nothing like a gigantic galumphing coworker clacking around to scare my colleagues into hushed silence. I can see the fear in their eyes.

There is no identifiable explanation for the underwear. Y'all, I had to dig around for a pair in the totes-glam plastic tub I use to store such things (along with all my swimsuits and....winter scarves. Don't judge). This was on purpose, people, and it's making me nervous.

The next thing you know I'll be doing my hair on a regular basis, and caring about things like manicures.

Oh shit. I pumiced (spelling?) my feet today too. This can't be good.


On the plus side, the part of my legs that are showing 'neath the skirt look pretty good. That varicose vein surgery continues to pay off. Best 5000 bucks my insurance company ever spent on me.


Teeth whitening. Anyone had it?

Thing 1 told me the other day that my teeth are yellow. Such a nice boy. He's also the one that likes to play with the loose skin on my elbow, and poke me in the back fat as I'm driving. He says he loves me, but I'm wondering about that.

So. Yellow teeth. So very much NOT on my list of 'things to admire about me.' But how to eradicate the stain? Shall I ZOOM! it (yes, the exclamation point is part of the tradename), or do it myself with those Crest things, or what? This must go. I will NOT have yellow teeth. It's not what I want people to notice about me, and by damn if MY kid sees it then other people do too. Can't have that. People might think I'm British or something.

(that was for you, A-M. Heh)


God, I'm shallow as a southern river today. Forgive me. Something's wrong in Tiffville, it appears.

Just so you know, I'm blaming it on the shoes.

No comments: