Monday, April 14, 2008

Let's try this again.

So, the FIRST time I tried to write this post I had a story for you about being a witness to an almost-fistfight that happened up yonder at the Franklinton Food Lion, but now my hearts not innit to recreate the tension, the florid description, the perfectly worded flow of narrative, so you'll just have to believe me when I say that I almost saw a fight between 2 archetypical rettnecks break out in the Franklinton Food Lion.

In the spice aisle.

The things I'll do for some garam masala....


Also - it's old news now, but became more of an embarrassment as the day wore on. You see, I HAD blogged about how I squirted tuna fish samlich juice all down the front of my nice work shirt earlier today. Made some self-deprecating remarks, and that was that. You know, just a little peek into the high-glamoor of my life.

And then? An entire herd of company employees from the UK showed up at my cube door, all European and smartly dressed. "Hi there, fancy-talking colleagues! Come in and gaze at the fishy stain all down the front of my shirt which, you must know, I didn't really try that hard to wash out about an hour ago, because I wasn't planning on seeing anyone! Does it look like the Virgin Mary is in my shirt? I thought so too, and that's why I didn't wash it out! Mmm, smells like fish - now where are the damned loaves, I'm hungry!"

Nobody SAID anything, of course. Europeans are nice like that. I suspect, though, that there was a lot of 'tut-tutting' going on as they clattered away on their stylish heels.....


And then I went into the questions. Which are numerous. Oh, so numerous. Y'all are an asky bunch, you know that?

So, first on the docket are a few Qs from Tammie:

1. If you could pick two dudes to have a threesome with, who would they be?

Oh my stars! A threesome? Jeepers. And with two GUYS? Where would the extra penis go? Gosh!

OK - enough of that. I'll play along here, for the sake of complete and open honesty, and knowing full well that anything I say here is our little secret. I think I'd like to be the Tiffly filling in a George Clooney/Gene Wilder sammich. Or is that a Brad Pitt/Keenan Ivory Wayans samlich? Or would it be better perhaps to be the rich nougaty center of an Alan Rickman/Anthony Simcoe bar?

I just don't know. Feel free to suggest other combinations, but please, remember that I'm planted firmly in middle age so acrobats, gymnasts, and rodeo clowns are right out.

2. What's the first rock and roll song you remember absolutely loving as a kid?

Rockin' Robin. Also the Jeremiah was a bullfrog song. I distinctly recall telling y'all that I'm old, so if you mock me, mock LOUD, because I can't hear you over the tinnitus.

3. If you had a chance to go on a game show where you could win tons of money and prizes but there was a small change you might be chosen to take you clothes off in order to collect your prize, would you go on the show?

Yes, certainly. Nothing wrong with being naked. For money.

4. Would you rather ride a horse or a're the only one on it.

Motorcycle. Horses are crazy-insane, can't be trusted, and spook at the sound of a squirrel fart. Motorcycles, on the other hand, are fast, fierce, and fabulous. I've wanted a motorcycle since I was 16 years old. Maybe something in a nice buff color, with a few flames painted on the gas tank. Yeah - it would match my fringed leather jacket and chaps....and I'd kick my feet up on the highway pegs, give the engine some gas, and roar my way across this country, the wind in my hair, bugs in my teeth, and a smile on my sunburned face.

Hell, yes.

5. What's your favorite guilty pleasure?

The vast majority of my pleasures are guilt-free. Truly, I enjoy every single thing I DO for pleasure.

That being said, if I was to feel guilty about doing something pleasurable, I'd have to say it's my chronic preoccupation with the snooze button on the alarm clock. Doesn't matter WHAT time I set that sucker for, I'm going to hit the snooze at least twice before getting out of bed. That extra 8 minutes in the warm snugglyness of my perfect bed are worth any small amount of guilt I might feel at not being a "bounder out of bed" type person.

Did I mention that I have to get out of bed to turn off the alarm? It's the trip back across the bedroom that makes it all worthwhile.

Now, who's up next? Ah, I see Buzzardbilly clocked in with three hot topics of her own!

1. You can speak alone with any n0n-Biblical author who's ever lived. Who dat?

Eudora Welty. James Herriot. Charles Dickens. Thomas Jefferson. Ray Bradbury. All are great, but I think I'd have to (at this point) go with Terry Pratchett, because I love every word I've ever read of his books, and because he's just been diagnosed with early onset Allzheimer's Disease, and that, my friends, is a crying fucking shame. I'd like to get to him before he's not himself anymore. Heck, I'd even add him to my threesomes list, I love his stuff so much. That, and he's got nice hairy forearms....

2. You see your favorite celebrity walking inside your least favorite neighbor's house. Who is that celebrity? Why do you not like that neighbor? What do you do?

Fave celeb - Johnny Depp.

Least fave neighbor - the drunk screamer down the block.

What I do - hope like hell that JD is gon' all Jack Sparrow on that neighbor, leaving him nothing but a quivering jellypile of snot and moobs when it's all over.

3. What is your favorite flower? Why? Have you tried growing them?

I love irises. LOVE THEM. Don't really know why; they have no real connection to anything in my life except the "WANT" I felt when I saw them for the first time. Yes, I have grown them. AAMOF - I have a very robust line of them by the front walk to the Tiny House, courtesy of Kenju, and just today one of them sent up a flower stalk! EeeeEEEEEEeee!!! Yay!! I'd love to have more, but there are plans afoot for other flowers at the TH, which include

  • the white and purple pansies that already adorn both sides of the walkway leading to the front door
  • the sweet peas I'm going to plant by the back deck, in hopes that they climb the trellis and scent the air with their intoxicating sweetness
  • the daffodils and daylilies that I'm planning to 'liberate' from the unused lot next door. Some of those dafs are doubles and fringed, and I MUST have them.
  • the wisteria I'd like to plant by the front porch posts, in hopes that they'll climb up to the roofline and eventually cascade down grape-like clusters of purple flowers in the Spring.
  • the Confederate jasmine that will join the wisteria, for a shot of summer color and long-lasting greenery.

Then NEXT year, I'm turning the whole front yard into a cottage garden, with a cutting garden, an herb bed, a perennial border, and some yard art. I am also planning on finding a million dollars to get this done. Ideas on where to start digging for the treasure chest are welcome.

More Q&A tomorrow, my dears. I'm going to put this one to bed and get back to work. Smootchies to all, and to all a good night!

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