Friday, June 08, 2007

How the H-E-double hockey stix BIG does it need to BE, anyhow?

WARNING: SEMI-ADULT CONTENT AHEAD. Well, OK, it's for real ADULT, but only in the sense that "adult" means I use the word penis. Also vagina. And make mention of dildos. If you can't handle THAT, then leave now.


Good grief, y'all! I think I'm really really far out of the loop on the whole "how big does a penis need to be in order to satisfy a woman?" question.

According to the items in my spam mailbox (many dozens of them a day, AAMOF), current thinking is that 12 inches is a good round figure.


No way. No no no no no no no way. Someone come at ME with something like THAT, and I'm backing away like Bambi from a forest fire. Oh heck NO.

12 inches? Riiiight. You know, if I ponder on it for a moment of two, I would say I do NOT need to have my innards shifted from the use of something like that. I do NOT need to know just how stretchy the ol' va-jay-jay is, nor do I need to know what it feels like to have my uterus (bless her tired little soul) used like a penile punching bag.

12 inches? Holy cats no.

According to Alice, the average vagina is only 3 to 4 inches long "at rest," so to speak, and elongates when the woman is aroused. I'm thinking that your average cootch does NOT grow three to four times LONGER during even the bestest sex ever in order to accomodate a foot-long dong.

The much-vaunted "8 incher" is probably MORE than puh-lenty. Prolly even way too much if the lady involved isn't all that involved, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, because if her cervix ain't migratin' north, then that infilrating hotrod is gonna be comin' up against some sulky bits, which can be rather uncomfy and NOT promote better living through hotchacha.

Let me tell you one thing, gentlmen. It's not the size, it's how you use it. If you KNOW what to do with your equipment, then it's all good no matter what the size. Pay no attention to those ridiculous porns that show lesbians ridin' gigantic double dildos to apparent mutual satisfaction, because (and let's think about this for a moment), if a woman needs something THAT BIG to find nirvana, just how hard are they to please, anyhow? (and we're not even going to discuss about how capacious their princess parts are, because I happen to know that a baby's head can go through one of them thar thangs and snap back almost their original dainty proportions....they're darn stretchy, they are).

Still, 12 inches? Ridiculous.


Y'all, my apologies. Yesterday poop, today penises. Something's in the water, methinks. I'm sure that by next week we'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming of "nuthin' much."


Speaking of, I've got about "nuthin' much" planned for this weekend except moving stuff from the big house to the tiny house in preparation for the ultimate big move at the end of the month. When I transitioned from house 1 to apartment, I left a lot of stuff behind, which I'm going to start re-claiming this weekend.

I'm sure I'll spend part of the weekend being appalled at just how MUCH stuff I have. Why, the boxes of photos alone will likely fill up the trunk of my car, and that's just from the Things' first 4 years - the rest of them are on digital. Yowza.

Whatchy'all got planned?

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