Thursday, February 01, 2007

Double postage, please

This is the post that I wrote when y’all were having a musically religious discussion (see below). Thanks to those who participated, I learned something or two!


First, my thanks to kenju for sending some new folks my way to tell me that she can’t comment so they should do that for her. Something’s amiss in Haloscan world for her, and it’s not a pretty thing. Kenju, I’m almost certain you can use the old blogger comments thingie. That won’t help you to see the haloscan comments, which you can’t, but at least I can input you input into the other comments.....


I cannot see some of y’all’s blogs. Wordnerd, I’m sorry I can’t get there to once again be #1 on the trivia thing. That’s a real and true addiction, right there. Kenju - heh, nice work - you can’t see my comments, and I can’t see your blog AT ALL. How am I supposed to waste time like this?


Once again, it’s snowing in North Cackalackey. All OVER! The mountains are supposed to get 4 inches or so, and we in the Triangle are looking to get an inch.

Which is enough to bring the whole house of cards fluttering down.

They “brined” the interstates and major feeder roads last night. An interesting concept. Rather than throwing down lots and lots of salt chunks, the majority of which get skittered off the road by passing trucks n’ stuff, they mix up a pickling solution and hose it all over the road. Mmmm, pickles. Well, OK, not really a pickling solution, I think it’s just salt water, but wouldn’t it be cool if they threw some onion chunks and mustard seed and turmeric in there too?

Perhaps that’s just me being me again. Pay no attention.

Anyhow, the brining is supposed to work well for the kid of ick we get here in the Ol’ North State - the fine mix of snow and slush and freezing rain that changes at quarter-hourly intervals from one thing to the next to the next and then back again, as though God was just up there playing with the knobs and dials, not able to get just thing tuned in clear enough to keep the signal. It's rather like driving through Georgia on a Sunday morning and trying to find something, anything, that isn’t preaching-related on the radio.


Which leads me to this:

The other day I mentioned that I’d seen a mangled-up walker thrown out with the weekly trash, and offered up some explanations about WHY it might have been there.

I’m here to tell you that I missed the most obvious possible explanation in the book.

Earnest Angely is back in town, and Granny went n’ got the ol’ forehead smack but good, and once she picked herself up off the revival tent floor she was HEALED!

Why I didn’t thank of that the other day, I’ll never know.


Which leads me to this:

When I was in grad school, I worked in bars. Enjoyable work, and the drinks were free.

Getting home at 4 a.m. was not quite as enjoyable, because I’d still be wired from the bike ride home and needed something to do until I was sleepy from the drinks.

That something was usually teevee. I’d click it on and sit in front of it, dialing around for something good.

Pro rodeo was usually my first pick. I got so I could name the bulls and knew their moves. I had favorite cowboys. Fun stuff, until someone gets kicked in the head by a cloven hoof.

Infomercials mostly bored me, but from time to time I’d watch one of the “amazing weight loss” ones and chuckle at all the poor fat people. Divine retribution for my haughtiness would catch up with me about 15 years later.....

Church teevee by far had the most entertainment value for the hour of day. This was the Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker zenith, and man, they were fun to watch. Begging for money, sobbing through 18 layers of mascara, trotting out their mutant children, showing off their new theme park, grinning that Howdy Doody/Grinchy grin that was only slightly creepy. Awesome stuff. Powder-blue suits, helmet hair, tons of jewelry, crying poverty. Amazing. Mezmerizing.

I also liked that guy who would speak in tongues. He’d look into the camera with his piercing brown eyes and say “There’s someone out there with the diabetes/broken leg/mouth cancer/intestinal parasites tonight. I can feel your need. I can feel you wanting the hand of God. Hold up your hand, you unfortunate soul. Hold it up to the teevee and I will send the grace of God inot your life and by this grace you shall be healed.” Then he’d start mumbling in tongues, in some made-up language, complete with chirps and groans and sudden cheese-eating grins and knit brows. He was an outstanding performer, and I’m sure made a ton of money. He sure asked for it enough

And then, and then, there was Earnest. Earnest Angely. The strut. The bellow. The fire and brimstone. The exhortations to come and be healed. The weak and crippled and sick lining up in the aisle of the vast church. The handlers who would pass them up to the front to have Earnest’s hands placed upon them.....and then........the SMACK! to their forehead from the mighty and powerful hand of The Right Reverend Angely, sending even the strongest amoing them reeling backward, eyes wide in surprise. Why, I saw old ladies knocked down from the force of the healing hand of Earnest. Sometimes the handlers (ushers?) couldn’t contain the joy of the afflicted and had to let the DROP to the FLOOR in their ecstacy. Oh, how the lame did dance, how the blind did cast aside their glasses, how the sick and weak did leap. Truly miracles were worked. I’m convinced of it. And man, what a show.

Strange thing though. Over time, I started recognizing a lot of the afflicted. They seemed to show up over and over and over again. I wonder.....why?


At some point my early morning teevee watching faded into memory. Until I found the nuns saying the rosary. Now THAT I’ll stop and watch, no matter what.

Sorry this got so long. I kinda started and stopped and do-si-do’ed around a lot of stuff, didn’t I? If you’ve made it this far, please feel free to tell me who YOUR favorite teevee preachers are - either past or present, (or, if you’re REALLY good - future!).

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