Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The gauntlet is thrown

Yesterday at the WVSR, Jeff asked his readers to tell him what their New Year's Resolutions were (or are?). Somewhere in the heat of the moment I lost my head and challenged Biff Spiffy to a 35-pound weight loss race, because, in case y'all forgot, I'm an idiot.

To make matters worse, Biff is serious about it.

Crap. Crap crappity crap crap.

At a pound a week, do you know how long it will take to lost 35 pounds? (OK, duh, 35 weeks....) Let's look at it this way - at a pound a week, it will be SEPTEMBER before I achieve my weight loss goal. September. Far too far away to be palatable. Far too far away to be sustainable, for I am a woman of very short attention span and a pathologic addiction to procrastination.

So, we have settled on July 4th as the day of our independence from 35 pounds of fat, of flab, of inhibited sexiness, of masked awesomeness. On July 4th, Biff and I will raise our glasses of Crystal Light to one another across the many miles that separate us and toast our success, if there is success to be had.

In blinding flash of mortifying insight, I have realized what this challenge means; the many points of agony are as follows: I may have to give up alcohol. I may have to workout more vigorously. I may have to sweat. I may have to give up cheese and butter and lovely fluffy mashed potatoes and gravy and meatloaf and biscuits and doughnuts. I may have to mainline fruit and vegetables and water. Lord, lord, I may have to start DRINKING water. Most horrifyingly, I may have to (gulp) become healthy.

Again, crap.

The worst part of this effort? Even if I am successful in losing the 35, I have 10 more to go to get into the "normal" range for a woman my height and frame size (5'10" and large, iff'n you're interested). Astonshingly, this weight will be nowhere NEAR the weight I was in my prime, which sucks large and is kind of shocking to think about, because dayum, I must have been hella skinny back then.

Oh, right, I was. Something about not eating and working out 2 hours a day......I remember now.

The best part(s)? I will no longer hate having my picture taken. I will no longer hate to shop for clothing. I will no longer have to remember to keep my chin up to avoid doubling. I will no longer have to watch my mother scan my figure and silently mourn for the loss of the wonderful waist I used to have. I will no longer have to taste my own liver every time I put on jeans that are a little snug around the waist. I will no longer be teetering on the knife edge of wearing Lane Bryant-sized clothing, which, while attractive in its own way, is not for me.

Hmm, those are a lot of best parts. Ain't THAT some shit?

Anyhow, the gauntlet has been thrown and accepted. The time for dueling is set. The tools of battle have been selected.

All's I need now is a second. Anybody out there wanna get my back in case I should not be able to fulfill the requirements of the challenge?



I'm sure y'all are sick to utter death of hearing about the Wordsmiths, but I'll risk mentioning it one more time, because today's the day the "Small Red Box" stories are compiled for your reading pleasure. Sometime noonish I'll post the stories that were submitted, so you'll have plenty to read on your lunch break.

There are some new folks who have contributed, and some seasoned veterans as well. They've all worked hard to make a little magic happen.

The sweet bonus part? You get to critique and offer suggestions - it's all part of the game, and we're expecting it. Yeah, yeah, we LOVE the "OMG!" kind of comments, we're only human, but we're also open to well-considered opinion and constructive criticism too.

Because, after all, on the internet nobody can see you cry.


I have a request of you smarty-pants internet-savvy peoples out there in readerland.

How do I work live feeds so that when a blog gets updated a little reminder pingie thing gets magically activated in my browser so I can RACE RIGHT OVER and read whatever luscious new offering has been set out on the buffet of bloggerland for general consumption?

I tried using the Atom feed for one person's blahg, and while I now have the Live feed thing on my navbar, I'm not getting a notification that the site's been updated. What on EARTH am I doing wrong?

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