Friday, June 16, 2006

Friday mailbag!


Yo-ho, ho! 'Tis time fer the Fridee mailbag ree-vyoooo!

Avast, ye bloglubbers, we're pullin' intah port with a vast store of queries and responses what as need tendin' to, or the good ship Tiff'll sink under the weighty matters aboard her. So, watch the sheets and lines, for we're offloadin' cargo!

(and no, I have no idea where the pirate thing came from. Sometimes weird stuff happens inside my brain)

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Dear Tiff,

My ears pop when I swallow. Is that normal?

Signed, Eustachianally Concerned

Dear EC,

It's fine, but if they start snapping and crackling, get your head out of the cereal bowl already!

Tiff

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Dear Tiff,

I'm in love with my next door neighbor, but he doesn't know it. I compliment him on his neat lawn, and on his flower-covered mailbox, and on his several cats, and on his taste in clothing, and I even dress up in cute clothes and wear makeup when I know I'm going to see him, but he doesn't seem interested in me. I'm a very pretty girl (or so my friends tell me). My passion for him is all-consuming; I think of him all the time. What should I do to take this to the next level?

Signed - Lovelorn in San Francisco

Dear LLISF,

Ask him to go to a club with you, and let him pick the venue. If he ditches you at the door and you find him later dancing with a tall hairy man wearing a leather crotch sling, I think you'll have the answer to what his "next level" is. If not, then there's a chance for you. Good luck!!

Tiff

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Dear Tiff,

I waste a lot of time at work when I should be doing something productive. How can I turn my focus onto what I'm being paid to do rather than spending time on the internet or hanging out with my friends in the smoking area?

Signed - Do-Nothing in Paducah

Dear DNIP,

From your letter, it doesn't appear to me that you're doing anything differently than most people. Keep up the good work!

Tiff

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Dear Tiff,

In recent weeks I've noticed that my toes are slowly turning blue, and a growing some kind of webbing between them that smells like blue cheese. Should I be concerned?

Signed - Curious in Seattle

Dear CIS,

Duh, yeah.

Tiff

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Dear Tiff,

Is it true that if human could travel at the speed of light they could reverse time by using a Bernoulli singularity to fold space into a annular ring of plasma and dark matter, thereby creating the possibility of alternate outcomes for a single-unit universe?

Signed - Curious in Manahttan

Dear CIM,

Duh, yeah.

Tiff

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Dear Tiff,

You made the last one up, right?

Signed- Curious in Raleigh

Dear CIR,

Duh, yeah.

Tiff

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Dear Tiff,

I have a little doggie that goes everywhere with me. I carry him around in a little purse and feed him little bites of my pate and fois gras when I'm pretending to eat. He wears cute little jackets by Vera Wang and he gets his nails done to match mine. My problem is, I haven't named him yet. What should I call my adorable little friend?

Signed - Devoid of Canine Nomenclature

Dear DOCN,

How about "Shark Bait"? That's kind of cute.

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And there you have it, y'all, the Friday mailbag, a recurring feature here on NAY when the headlines are full of doom and gloom and the photos of the day are all boring and there's nothing left to talk about so that I have to actually ANSWER QUESTIONS, when I COULD be doing something far more interesting like making fun of stuff other people do. Lordy, the suffering I endure for you people!!

Oh, yes, please keep those cards and letters coming, because I sure do need the scratchpaper.

Tiff

5 comments:

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL, LOL. Very Very Funny! You gfave me a really good laugh! THese are so clever!

Here from Michele today, and happy to Meet & Greet you!

Wordnerd said...

Great, as always! Now, what IS your mailing address...I have a couple questions for you!

tiff said...

OOLOTH - I do what's I can. Glad you got a chuckle.

WN - I'll be sure to post my e-mail address on the template so you can reach me any old time. Ah, the suffering for the masses never ENDS! :>

Chelle said...

Sorry I missed this on Friday. No internet access. Dammit.

tiff said...

mmm3 - how did you make it through the day with no internet? The thought is too scary. :>