Wednesday, June 21, 2006

A few letters I'd like to write

Dear McDonald's,
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Your new "richer, bolder, more robust" coffee tastes like burnt compost mixed with saltpeter and run through a filter of moss. Bring back the poorer, meeker, weaker stuff, please, and hurry up about it.
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Gracias,
Tiff
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=======================
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Dear Naked Lady at the Y,
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I wish I had half your stones, lady. You've got a corrguated ass, enough back fat to make a hog farmer salivate, and breasts that look like basset ears, and still you remain unclothed but for the jaunty towel you have thrown over your sloping shoulders while you chat about your new house with your friend.
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I want to thank you for being so blatantly nude in the locker room, because, in comprison to you, I don't look half bad. Makes up for having to share space with all the aerobics chicks who are, apparently, crafted out of plastic and bendy straws.
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You, my soft round friend, rock.
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Gratefully,
Tiff
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Dear Wake County Office of Growth Management,
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Mwah! Kissies for you, lovely people who approved the transfer of our boys to the schools they currently attend but might not have once we moved because we moved out of the base area. Hugs and much love for the speed with which you approved this transfer and not making us go through the appeal process. Sparkly little hearts and stars to you for being cheerful and helpful on the phone and for calling me back and for making a nerve-wracking experience so easy and for providing the "right" outcome for our kids, who have been through enough transitions to last them a lifetime and who deserve a little stability now that we're settled into our newest new home.
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XOXO,
Tiff
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To the Guys Who Moved Us Last Week,
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Did you know that when the clothes washer was in our rental house it worked really well? Did you know that your inept and overly forceful installation of said clothes washer into the second-floor laundry room of our new house cracked the drain hose? Did you know that as a result of this overly forceful installation and subsequent cracking of the drain hose the machine now sprays a fine jet of water out onto the floor as it fills? Did you know that this water then creeps under the drain pan and seeps between the floor and walls and oozes down joists and drywall until it finds its way into the kitchen, where it creates a bubble under the paint that make it look like the wall is melting?
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Hmmm? Did you know all that?
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Well, if you didn't before, now you do, you freaking inept wastes of skin, you brainless mind-farts, you moronic rejects, you stinking pinheads, you incredible cretins, you vacuous sinkholes of common sense.
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Irritatedly,
Tiff
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Dear Person Who Landed on this Blog While Searching for "Spanish Bullfighers Wear Tight Pants,"
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Hope you found what you were looking for! Ole, baby!
.
Tiff

9 comments:

WenWhit said...

lmao

Wordnerd said...

Absolutely one of your best posts (and that's no small feat)!!! Wow! I hope I'm never on the receiving end of one of your rants. Of course, I would always know to check the drain hose before I left your new house. Umm. If I were a mover. And if, of course, I knew anything about installing a washer. Umm. Yeah.

I'm gone to find my Spanish Bullfighters now.

Erica said...

I heart los guerreros de los toros or somesuch. I heart them, I tell you. And good news about your boys!

P.S. Mmmmm, backfat.

tiff said...

wen - not ALL the way off, I hope.

WN - you are in no danger of being ranted at, never fear. I save that for the nameless and faceless, because I'm a big ol' coward like that.

erica - your P.S. sounds like Homer. Simpson! :>

trinamick said...

Hi-larious! I love letters to idiots - keep 'em coming!

rennratt said...

'vacuous sinkholes of common sense' - an excellent insult!

I probably shouldn't say this - but you're pretty funny when you're mad!

Beth said...

Tiff, the first one I was shaking my head emphatically with up and down. The last, just laughing!

Kingfisher said...

Great post, but one question:

What retarded architect puts a laundry room on the second floor? Even a wet towel transferred to the dryer drips enough detergent water to create a naked lady YWCA gym for virusmold in your R-35 insulation.

Oh, and moving suck ass.

tiff said...

trina - so much to be irritated with these days, I fear these are ALL I need write!!!

renn - feel free to use it in conversation with your next aggravating vendor.

beth - so, the coffee, it really sucks, right?

KingF - It weren't MY architect, I'll tell you that right now. HEy, hope that puking got better!