Friday, June 02, 2006

Deeply disappointing

Yahoo ain't workin' it today for me.

There are no mangled headlines, no WTF-type pictures, no material at ALL from which to eek out even the tiniest smidgen of snark or lame humor or chuckle-inducing somethingoranother. It is NOT happenin' here, y'all, and therefore, I am bereft of anything on which to base the usual falderal that takes place here on Fridays.

So, because I can't let you down, you sweet internets peoples, I've decided to answer a few questions from the mailbag instead!



My boyfriend tells me I'm pretty, but I don't believe him because I think I'm fat and I have zits. Should I take him at his word?


Dear Confused,

Honey, he probably just wants in your pants anyhow, and once he's there it's a pretty good bet he's not concerned with what you look like. Believe what he tells you, as long as you take it with a grain of salt and a condom. Hell, you tell him you love him, even though that's a big lie because you really want to date the fry kid at Bojangles because he slips you a few chicken minis on Thursdays after you get off work at WalMart, so you're both lying and still getting laid. Welcome to the rest of your life, sweetie!

Dear Tiff,

I'm a 40-something guy who would like to meet women, but so far am striking out in the "runs batted in" department, if you know what I mean. I'm a terrific hitter, can haul ass around the diamond, and girls never have to rosin up before taking the plate, so what's striking me out here?

Sporting guy

Dear Sporting guy,

#1 - your baseball analogies are lame
#2 - the fact that you use baseball analogies as euphemisms for your sexual prowess are even lamer, and weird in a "not-ha-ha" way
#2 - rosin would make things sticky, and girls hate that.

Other than that, I can't see why the chicks aren't flocking to your House of Ruth, baby.

Dear Tiff,

What makes you think you can tell us all kinds of stories about yourself and only give us a picture of an eye for reference when we pretend you're our BFF and we're out shopping for Kate Spade knockoffs at the SteinMart?


Dear AS

It hurts me deeply to say this, but it's because most of the stuff here is fake and I'm really a Samoan male with a deep interest in getting to know WASP culture in order to one day right the wrongs perpetuated on my people by hundreds of years of incursions by smelly pale sailors and their watery wandering eyes. Thanks for making me blow my cover, you needy little pest.

Tiff (AKA Pumo Akanoshtrimbulato)



You lied about that last one, didn't you?


Dear Doubtful,



Dear TIff,

If you could be a tree, what kind of a tree would you be?


Hi BW,

Glad you asked. I have given a lot of time and consideration to this question, mostly because Blogger wouldn't let me into my blog for most of today, so I had to find some other way to waste time rather than working, and I've decided that I'd like to be a larch.

OK - I'd also be a eucalyptus if I had to, or, in a pinch, I would volunteer to be a stand of bamboo if all the good trees were taken.

Thanks for asking! Great question! Love your hair! Call me!



Hey, this was kind of fun. Maybe I'll do more next week. Until then, keep those cards and letters coming, and have a super-dee-super weekend!


lisa said...

Hello, from Michele's place.

I would never have known that was your real eye. Is that your real eye or what?

ta ta, Lisa

mar said...

Dear Tiff,
I am blogging addicted.Bad case. Can't help it. Here from Michele's site!

tiff said...

Hey y'all!

Yes, it is. :>

Blogging addiction is easy to develop. Have a bad case of it myself.

Wickwire said...

Haha. The wise Tiff answers your questions.

That was good. I liked, "...with a grain of salt and a condom..."

Wordnerd said...

Dear Tiff,
What the hell is a larch? Not here from Michele's, just here because I'm always here...somewhere...stalking Samoan men...

Chelle said...

What's better than mangled Yahoo lines?

Dear Tiff!

Loved it.

mr. schprock said...

Dear Tiff,

In order to deal with people I don't know very well, I have to speak to them through my sock puppet, Mr. Jimmy. Although I attract stares when I do this, Mr. Jimmy the only way I can communicate with most people. Lately, Mr. Jimmy has picked up some "sailor talk," which has not helped my popularity very much. Here's my question: do fuel additives really work, or are they just a gimmick?


tiff said...

wick - one cannot be too careful about these things! :>

WN - the larch is the only known deciduous conifererous plant. Also semi-famous in a Monty Python skit. It's an ancient Samoan secret.

MMM3 - desperate times call for desperate measures, don't they? One does what one can...

Mr S- This question is far too important to wait until next week to answer, so I will do so now. The answer to your question (and hello, Mr. Jimmy, you SOB), is Neville Chamberlain. Thanks for asking!!

Theo said...

wonderful!!! thank you for the advice. i'll leave you guess which advie helped!

Michele sent me.

kenju said...

Tiff, if this is what you come up with when you have no material - do it some more! Really funny.

tiff said...

theo - I'm thinking it had to do with salt?

kenju - my response to mmm3 applies here as well. :>

tiff said...

theo - wait wait wait - YOU'RE the baseball dude?