Saturday, February 20, 2016

Death and boiled eggs

It seems like 2016 has inaugurated a wave of death, both for the famous and infamous. I have touched on this before (oh, Alan!).  This week alone has seen the passing of Supreme Court judge Antonin Scalia, reality show 'star' Big Ang, and novelist and famed hermit Harper Lee.  

Was there some kind of death lottery, and 2016 won?

I just Googled 'who died this week' and wouldn't you know, a website ( popped up that tracks all of this stuff, categorizes it, and links to obituaries for each person who is of some prespecified level of notoriety.  It's morbidly amusing, really, to scroll through the week's victims to see who is recognizeable and who is less so.  Punky Brewster's stepdad, for example, fits the latter category for me, while Boutros Boutros Ghali certainly slots into the former.  

Every life has its dash, is what I get out of this.


Anyhow, let us not dwell on sadness and the inviolate principles of mortality!  Let us instead turn our attention to one of the biggest personal victories of my recent history, which is this:


See, I have been trying out different methods of cooking 'the perfect HB egg' for a while. Perfect means a firm white, creamy yolk, no green ring around the yolk, and it must peel cleanly without any gross membrane adherence issues.

Certain famous cooks have touted the 'boil then soak' method (start cold, bring to a boil, turn off heat and let the eggs soak for 15 minutes followed by a plunge into an ice bath).  Sounds elegant, but I'm here to tell you that those things don't peel worth a damn.  A DAMN!  Fully half the whites are lost to membrane adherence, and the resulting egg is not smooth and globulously luxurious, but rather pitted and pockmarked and sadly downtrodden.  Who wants to eat a downtrodden egg?  NOBODY, that's who.

Therefore, a little research was done into egg-boiling methods, and the the message is this: 'boil then soak' is the the absolute wrongest way ever invented to make a hard-boiled egg that peels correctly.  This method actually makes the shell stick to the egg!  WHA????  What kind of cruel joke is THAT, Martha?  

If the doyenne of all things domestic has got it wrong, one might ask how on earth SHOULD one cook an egg to hard-boiled delicious perfection?

The answer is to start the eggs warm (low simmer), bring the water to a boil, turn heat back to a simmer, cook for 5 minutes, then turn off the heat and let 'em sit for 5 more minutes (or until you're done cleaning the stove, which was my timing).  Decant thenceforth to a large amount of ice water, and let 'em sit for at least half an hour.  

The result?  Shells that come off as easily as a satin slip on date night, my friends, with a tender white and creamy soft yolk.  Oh yes indeed, quite perfect.  Sweet meaningful success.

Scoff not at my cheer! These are my victories.  These are my triumphs!  I need not conquer lands or peoples - vanquishing the troublesome issues of egg-boiling is enough for me!!

Huzzah!  Huzzah!

Tiff out.


kenju said...

You can cook by that Martha method if you add two tablespoons of baking soda to the water. I will test that our very soon, as I boiled 12 this morning.

So many famous people are dying lately - it seems they are all or nearly all 74 years of age. I am glad to have passed that milestone!!

Middle Girl said...

Yes, your way is closest to how it has worked for me. I start with eggs at room temp and yada x 3 pretty much what you said.

I became familar with when my one of my work assignments included collecting medical debts. Many folks not responding to their statements were . . yep.

I remember day finding out the actor (Ken Weatherwax) who played Puglsy on the Addams family had died. He was just 59.

LL said...

As far as goals go... an accomplishment well worth bragging of...