Currently, there's a an imprint on our couch that resembles my rear-end. When I, on occasion, stand up to do something important like rub some feeling back into the netherbits or go get another glass of water, the imprint stays there in the green velour-y nap, a perfect picture of a recent occupant, right down to and lounge pant wrinkles.
However, the imprint is, it seems, a fair bit wider than my actual butt should be.
This means only one thing: we need a new couch.
It would be a rare universe in which I'd really want to know just how big my butt is courtesy of the furniture. That universe would probably be someplace made entirely of funhouse mirrors and shades, where restaurants only served celery and guilt, and where everyone else was bigger than me. After all, feeling thin and petite is better than being thin and petite, which is why every bride has a chubby bridesmaid (in case you didn't know).
Let's be frank: I need a couch that doesn't mock me. I also need a couch that is comfortable, doesn't have 18-million stupid pillows to arrange, is clean, and looks like it was made sometime in this century. Instead, our couch is made of lies (see: butt imprint), saggy foam, worn-out fabric, and cat hair.
It is, to be frank, a very ugly couch. The love seat is no better. Well, not 'love seat,' but rather 'big chair,' because I would hope that Biff and I could actually sit next to one another on a love seat without having to carefully arrange body parts while sitting down so to achieve a minimum amount of overlap as well as comfort, because once we're IN the chair it's fairly rough sailing to adjust. ANYTHING (see: velour). So, it's a 'big chair,' certainly not a 'love seat,' for I do not love it so much as I tolerate it because up until this week I was to damned cheap to do anything about replacing the heinous furniture I got 4 years ago from a used furniture store that, with the purchase of a kitchen table and 8 chairs still ran, in total, under 900 bucks.
That's right, 900 clams for a couch, BIG CHAIR, table, 4 parson's chairs, and 4 kitchen chairs. You can probably guess at the state of each of these items at this point, being that I didn't even get the best used furniture in the store due to 1) severe cheapness and 2) limited supply of actual attractive furniture at the used furniture store. I am not one for bold floral prints or plaids, clearly.
So, what's changed? Why new furniture now now NOW?
Well, we had 'bonus day' at work this week. I KNOW! A freaking BONUS DAY! Where we get extra money as a reward for meeting things like 'targets' and 'goals'! It's amazing, right?
Note: it would be way MORE amazing if the bonus wasn't taxed to Kingdom Come (and back!), but that's not a point I'm willing to argue with the bean-counters and folks at the IRS who make up stupid rules drive regular people like me and you crazy with dread and confusion. Oh, no. I'm taking my half-a-bonus and doing the following with it:
Being grateful for it
Shift some money to savings
Give some money to church (a real tithe on this one, as it's totally an 'increase' and not at all slated for anything like bills.)
Pay Biff back for the new kitchen table
And throw the rest at credit card and other debt.
See how that works? I can get stuff with the crazy bonus money. Oh, yes, it's a sad truth that with the half-a-bonus I'm giving up in taxes and 401K contributions I could have done other stuff like 'pay OFF credit card' or 'purchase CAR,' but no. Not this time. I'll have to do things like budget and save for those; however, I am NOT waiting for new furniture.
Because? The couch is a LIE, and I can't have that in my house. It's simply not a good role model for the Things.
I'm going to go look at pictures of leather couches now and try to contain the drooling. Y'all have a good day - Tiff out.