Thursday, May 13, 2010

Slightly iniquitous

I've heard the term bandied about lately on gossip blogs and around the ethersphere. This thing has sounded slightly gross, slightly fantasy, slightly OMG if this thing is real then for SURE these are the end days because wow. Really? Crystals? Down THERE? But thanks to Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose name has been associated with this current trend on more than one occasion (gosh her mom must be happy), we are firmly stuck (pun!) in the middle of the vajazzling trend times.

ORLY? Wha?

Vajazzling? (friends, do your own GIS - I'm not woman enough to link the finds here)

Yes, darlings, it's for real, has been around for years, and those who practition it call it a 'treatment,' in much the same way, I'm sure, that having someone paint your nails for 25 bucks is a treatment.

OK - I'm letting my inner cranky old lady sing this out loud and proud - My eye and ass vajazzling is a treatment for anything but terminal boredom! Pasting crystals onto your precious Mons Venus is not a treatment, ladies, it's torture, because dang that crap can catch on all manner of underthings, ripping one or more of the epoxy-ed gems off your girly bits to fall unceremoniously into 1) your undies or 2) onto the floor (depending on your state of commandoness at the time). And also, it's clear that your netherbits must have defected to Brazil to get the 'treatment' which I'm pretty sure not everybody is willing to do, because some of us like to keep the delicate flowers under close supervision and not let them go wondering off to other southern hemispheres where they have things like Carnivale and nude beaches. A pudenda could get corrupted that way.

Plus which? Having the Marital Duties while one of your ticklish bits is covered in CRYSTALS? Ouchie ouchie, and thanks for taking a BUNCH of positional options off the table, stupid crotchcrafts!

And now I shudder whilst pausing to think about just how many girls at Thing 1's school are jazzled on the vag, and how boys will very likely EXPECT this to be the norm from now on instead of being nicely surprised to be face to face with a regular ol' Triangle of Mystery. What's next? PUPPET SHOWS coming out of that thang?

Holee crap.


I need a drink. Tiff out.

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