Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Useless tools, sudden bursts of topic, and raise that chemise for me darlin'!

Someone please tell me how to turn off the ‘feature’ in MS Office that brings up the ‘helpful sidebar’ each and every damned time you open an application. I don’t NEED the helpful features, dagnabbit; I’m a PRO and pros don’t need the quick tips and other assorted chaff that is presented therein.

Little things bug me sometimes.

(Don’t even GO to the place that say’s ‘if you’re such a pro, you’d KNOW how to turn off the sidebar,’ because child? You do NOT want to get the death glare, do you?)


Things I did this morning instead of exercising:

  • Snoozed the alarm about 12 times
  • Ate breakfast
  • Drank coffee
  • Washed the sheets
  • Did the dishes
  • Checked work e-mail

I am a clever user of time, no?


Every year I think it’s a good idea to make Halloween costumes, and usually every year I curse my short memory. This year though? I think they’re going to totally rock. Pictures will be posted if they do. If they don’t? All evidence of their existence will be expunged from the current consciousness of our communities.

Hey, I saw ‘Men in Black,’ I know how it’s done. All's I need is a halogen flashlight and a Van deGraf generator, right?


Do y’all dress up for Halloween at work? My company is having a Halloween thing on the 30th, inviting people to dress up and par-tay down. Normally, this is the kind of thing I avoid like 8 kinds of plagues, preferring to work at home or be sick or otherwise tied to my desk to NOT participate (baa baa, black sheep!) but this year I might JUST wear my costume to the fete.

If I get it done on time. Which I will. Because not only do I think it’s going to be a fairly accurate representation of the character, the outfit actually looks comfortable. No, it’s not a burkha, though that would be a smashing idea if it didn’t break my rule of ‘must be easy to eat and drink in,’ but dang close. This costume is also awesome because I don’t even have to worry about how I cross my legs, or if my ass is covered, which are things you would in all likelihood have to do if you purchased almost ANYTHING from the H-ween store. BONUS!

Seriously, why are 90% of the costumes for women at those seasonal stores so tarted up a girl has to wonder if she’s flashing the happy place just reaching into the beer cooler? Even the costumes for fat girls like me are mostly short, mostly low-cut, and feature suggested footwear that makes their wearer look like she’s cruising for 20 dollar tricks down the corner.

Or is that the point, that inside all ladies there’s a dirty ol’ HO just waiting to be propositioned by some drunk fool she can take back to a seedy hotel room, boink until he passes out, then roll for the bills and plastic in his beat-up ol’ wallet? Really? I think not, but mostly I don’t usually think like other females, so would put that question to whomever might have an opinion on the matter. Just wondering.

So, yeah. I’m not a ‘sexy witch/devil/cop/nurse/french maid/waitress/cave girl/whatever’ this year, again. Even a brash girl like me can have SOME sense of subtlety and reserve, ya know? If it means I have to get my own beer (and not worry about reaching into the cooler while doing so) because all the mens are ogling a pair of tits nearly spilling out a too-tight top or drooling over a pair of barely-skirted legs bedecked in fishnets and stilettos, that’s fine. I prefer to save that shit for the bedroom, baby, especially now that I'm old enough to be someone's gramma.

Well now. It's patently obvious I have some feelings on the matter. Based on that min-rant, perhaps I should start shopping for shoe buckles and neck ruffs for next year's Puritan costume. Wonder if they make a ‘sexy’ version of THAT?

Y'all have a nice afternoon. I'm off to grumble derogatory things about kids and lawns, adjust my girdle, and find the dang Geritol.

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