Friday, August 07, 2009

My fellow Americans

Let me be perfectly clear when I tell you that the questions below were shamelessly stolen from Kenju's Facebook page. The answers are my own, are completely honest, and in no way reflect on my ability to make lucid and cogent decisions or to operate heavy machinery under the Americans with Disabilities Act and the Declaration of Helsinki (1996).

So let's open the ol' closet door and see what skeletons fall out!

1. What's the last thing you put in your mouth? Good thing I just took a sip of coffee!

2. Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew? No. This must be rectified!

3. Where was your default picture taken? OK, this is a FB thing, so the question is referring to my FB profile picture, and my picture on FB is of a happy baby carrot (<--- See?), which was stolen from the interwebs, so....I don't know.

4. Who was the last person you rode in a car with under the age of 20? The Things

5. Can you play guitar hero? Does Rock Band count? If so, yes. I'm a really bad bass guitarist.

6. Last time you walked further than a block? Yesterday.

7. Name someone that made you laugh today? That'd be Biff. He's good like that.

8. How late did you stay up last night and why? I don't know. After all the booze and pills were gone, the room started getting spinny. Pretty sure I blacked out aa little after 11:30, because it took that long to kick out the midget wrestlers and the troupe of Phreaks who were juggling freeze-dried kittens and chainsawing blocks of cold butter into eerily accurate representations of 14-century Dutch artists.

9. If you could move somewhere else, would you? Sure, after the kids are through school, or if I was filthy rich I wouldn't even wait for that!

10. Ever been kissed under fireworks? Yes. Never over them though. This too must be rectified!

11. Do you believe ex's can be friends? Yes. I've done that with nearly all of mine.

12. Do you like calling or texting better? Calling, in general. I'm kickin' it OLD SKOOL!

13. How do you feel about Diet Dr Pepper? Love the stuff.

14. When was the last time you cried really hard? Can't remember. Last year?

15. Where is your biological father right now? In Arlington National Cemetary, presumably resting comfortably. Hi Dad!

16. Where are you at right now? Where am I AT? I'm AT the point in this quiz where stupid question construction pops out like a jagged rusty nail from an old deck, a trip and fail hazard for completion. Where are you AT, my ghostly white posterior.

BTW - I'm in the living room.

17. What bed did you sleep in last night? My own, once the room stopped spinning and I cleared the dance floor of wayward Thetans.

18. What was the last thing someone bought for you? Um. Hmmmmm. My mother bought most of the house rental at the lake this year (Thanks Mom!), and Biff is good with groceries and potables (Thanks darlin'!)

19. Who took your profile picture? Cyrano de Bergerac, the sly boots. Painted it while I was doing the Herky Jerky with a passel of sapient unicorns on the Leeward Islands last Samhain.

20. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Pretty sure that'd be Biff. Dude is hot, and takes pictures like a pro!

21. Was yesterday better than today? Today is just starting, so opinions are being withheld. As far as hour-by-hour, they're about the same. Except there's no milk in the house. I should do something about that. Oh, and pay the electric bill. And the mortgage. And the water bill. But hey, it's Friday, so there's that.

22. Can you live a day without TV? Sure, but if you try to take away my precioussss internets there will very likely be a stabbin'.

23. Are you a bad influence? I have been called dangerous before, and I love love love to play Devil's Advocate in discussions, so yeah.

24. What items could you not go without during the day? Coffee, a decent bra, the preciousssss internets.

25. Would you share a drink with a stranger? No. I'd GIVE it to them, but their filthy Shane McGowan mouth isn't getting anywhere NEAR my straw or cup. Ew!

26. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My mom after her second knee replacement. That's been a long time ago now, so I'm pretty fortunate. I do like the smell of hospitals though. I think it's the bleach and betadine. Is that weird?

27. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "what do you think?"

28. What are you wearing? PJs. Very much like an oversize tee-shirt, it's a Hanes thing and wicked comfy. No lace or bows for THIS gal when she's slobbing around the house. If it aint' cotton, it's rotten, baby.

29. How many times have you been pulled over by the police? A half-dozen or so. And each time, whether it's for a mere license check or I've actually done something wrong (but someone tell me why cutting through 5 lanes of traffic a tire-squealing speeds to get to an exit while chucking beer cans out the back window of a '72 Chevy pickup laden with migrant workers and leaving a plume of smoke and coke dust in your wake is such a BAD THING?), I get TOTALLY amped up on adrenaline and my heart races so fast and hard you can see the pulse beating in my temples. Pretty!

30. If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find? For work - all the shit I still need to do. For all the personal e-mail addys I have - all the shit I'm ignoring.

31. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Like as in "you think you're so perfect"? Then yes. And I do.

32. What song is stuck in your head? None right now, but that's only because I just evicted this one:

33. Someone knocks on your window at 2 am, who do you want it to be? It had been frikking be JESUS, because everybody else is getting a snootful of angry Australian Shepard. 2 a.m. Best not be creepin' around MY house at that hour, yo.

34. What gets in your way of your sleeping? NOTHING.

35. Who was your last missed call on your cell phone? Biff.

36. Can you handle the truth? Now I can. Any more than about 10 years ago? Hells no.

37. What was the last book you read? "Wicked." LOVED IT.

38. Is there something you always wear? A sunny disposition! And a good bra. If I can find one. Otherwise it's the stretched out purple cotton one that's comfy, but doesn't do much for the cleavage or bustlne. Bustline - what an old-fashioned word. Like 'bosom.' People don't use 'bosom' enough these days, which is a shame.

39. Have you ever crawled through a window? Uh-huh!

40. What’s something that can always make you feel better? A nap.

41. What do you want right now? For it to be 5 p.m. so that work would be over, cocktail hour is about to start, and Biff would be on his way home. Wocka Wocka!!

42. Look behind you, what do you see? A wall. It's bleeding, per usual.

43. Have you ever worked in a food place? Several: McDonalds as a teenager, a couple of bar n' grill places, and the Old Calhouns and The Wilton House in H-burg VA. Enjoyed most of those experiences, though I did have to quit one job tending bar at a Holiday Inn because I hated everything about the job except being able to spend time with my friend Grant who was the night manager and a total hoot. Hanging out with another employee and anxiously awaiting the SLOW times is probably not a good reason to keep a job, so I didn't. I would have gotten fired if I hadn't quit. It was that bad.


Phewf! That took longer to do than I expected. Sometimes it takes a while to wrestle the truth from the gnashing jaws of a good story! Forty three questions later, I'm wrung out from the effort and so will close with this:

Have a glorious day and a hangover-free weekend. You are dismissed.

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