Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Contains graphic mental imagery and language (Hi Mom!)

Dear nameless female slob who works where I do:

Hi! It’s me, your colleague! It's me, the colleague who just visited the BIG bathroom stall at work (hereinafter known as “my stall”) to conduct a little biznass with the liter of water I’d consumed.

I am also the colleague who is lazy about holding up her pants in her stall because, well, it’s MY STALL and therefore I regard it as reasonably clean, and so? If the pants hit the floor because I am too lazy to hold them up? Not an issue. It’s my stall, you see. Just like home.

It just so happens that I am the same colleague who, in mid-pee, happened to look at the floor of her stall to see an unmistakable splatter on the floor, right by her feet. Quite a big splatter, might I add. You, NFSWWWID, must have really HAD to go! Wow! That's a lot of splatter!

Too bad you couldn’t get more of your pee in the actual toilet, instead of all over the floor of MY STALL. Too bad your overshoot wound up being the same damned place my PANTS were when I let them drop. Too damned bad, because now I’m now wearing pants that have someone else’s PISS ON THEM because you were too fucking LAZY to clean up after yourself and the half-pint of piss you left on the floor. How could you not SEE that, you miserable wretch, you thick layer of cesspool scum, you audaciously incontinent hobo of a woman?

Oh, and about that urine you slung all over the fucking SEAT? Nice touch bitch. I NEVER check that. In the 18 months I’ve worked here I’ve never had the unfortunate experience of not only SITTING in someone else’s piss but actually WEARING it too! Good fucking JOB, you pig, you stain, you responsibility-shirking piece of crap! Is it too hard to wipe up after yourself? Is it too hard to tear off a few pieces of toilet paper and blot up your sullying waste matter? Is it too much to ask of you to be an ADULT and keep the workplace as clean as you found it, you boorish twatwaffle, you pathetic germ, you self-centered child?

I don’t think it IS that hard. Neither does my ASS or my PANTS, which are now suitable for use in identifying you through DNA sampling. If I had the money and the contacts, I might do just that – offer up my ninja trousers to a local lab (this is RTP, you cavernous cootch, WE HAVE LABS HERE!) and ask them to figure out just who it is that has left their double helices all over my stall! And just for laughs, I’ll ask them to check if YOUR DNA is mutated enough to cause paroxysmal retardation like you MUST have experienced just this morning while spattering MY STALL (it cannot be said loudly enough) with your filthy overspray.

You sicken me, you worm. By all that is decent in this world (you NOT INCLUDED), please at once learn to 1) crouch properly if you won’t sit, 2) AIM, for God sake, and 3) clean up after yourself if you DO misfire.


With nausea in my throat for the things to which you have exposed me, your grotesque slovenliness not the least among them though if I catch a disease from your stank-ass then I will FIND you, so help me God,


PS - I really should feel bad for you, because you're obviously not prepared socially to be a part of society, but fuck man, marking your territory by spraying piss all over the place wouldn't make me feel sorry for you if you even if you were a syphilitic moron with bad teeth, hyperhidrosis, and clubfeet. There's simply NO EXCUSE for what you did. I'll bet you smell bad too. And have ugly hair.


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