Monday, October 06, 2008

Some letters I ought to write

Dear people in the neighborhood who keep a yappy beagle dog in their yard while they're away from their house, which is like, all day every day,

I have a large block of high-quality chocolate here, and it's not too hard to fling it over the fence into your yard.

Seriously, put the dog inside, or risk losing it forever. I'm thisclose to calling in a complaint. Do you KNOW how hard it is to relax with the high-pitched yelp of a needy frigging BEAGLE assaulting your ears ever three seconds for 8 HOURS?????? Get a grip on reality, be a good neighbor, and get that dog to STFU or I'm going have to come over there and do it for you.



Dear God,

Kudos to you and the folks at the Meteorology Head Office for the great work you did this weekend. You could NOT have done a better job with the weather. Cool mornings, warm sunny afternoons, just perfect.

A small random thought - is there a possibility of aiming a lighting bolt into the yard of a very yappy beagle-y dog that lives in my neighborhood? You know, like one of those Wizard of Id 'zots'? Just thought I'd ask.



Dear Fleas that Refuse to Die,

A pox on you. Your beggardly stubbornnes to simply give into the various poisons I throw at and on you in an attempt to rid the dog of your irritating presence is annoying, to say the least. The dog is suffering, you bastards, and because she's an OCD Aussie has now chewed the hair off her ass in attempt to get to you, which is both ugly and troubling.

Is it too much to ask for y'all to find someplace else to live? You WANT her to be miserable? You WANT to be an instrument of torture for an aging pet whose sole goal in life is to 'catch the ball'? Whay you want to BE like that, anyhow? Go infest some yappy beagle-y dog in this neightborhood who could USE something to bitch about.




Dear Wake Forest Animal Control,

Someone in my neighborhood has a very annoying beagle-y dog that barks all frigging day long. It's gotten to the point that I can't open my windows because the incessant barking is so disturbing. I would like to know what can be done about this situation. I don't know where the dog lives, but I'm sure it wouldn't take much to figure out where the all-day-long yapping is coming from. Seriously. It's all day long, starting at about 7 in the morning (hello, Sunday morning!) and going for hours and hours. Let's just say that I'm glad I have a job that gets me out of the house. It's mind-numbingly annoying, like a dripping faucet or a cranky baby.

Please, won't someone just drive around up here (in the vicinity of X and Y streets) to get something done about that poor sad dog who is barking the days away hoping someone will pay attention to it?



That last one?

I just sent it.

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