Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Who decided?

Who decided that the plural wives of the polygamist sect in Texas had to wear this kind of hairstyle?

Is there some kind of rule book for "polygamy-approved 'dos" out there? How'd they get that bunch of gravity-defying heir to work out there in the front without the use of hairsprays or product, which I would assume would be too 'modern' for them to use out there on the kiddie ranch? And is there competition among those women to see who can get the highest crown roll, who can make the teeniest french braids, who can poof out their hair the most attractively?

Further, I wonder: are there different hairstyle for different harems? Does a polygamist in Utah like his ladies to COVER their flowing locks? Does a man with plural wives in Montana want them to maybe do a little bit of cow-horn style to remind themselves that they, like cattle, are chattel to be used as he sees fit, which of course most often is for birthing babies but might also be for meat?

(OK, maybe not for meat. Except his.)

And, most pointedly, how do I achieve the plural wives look, because I think it's kinda pretty, at least the Texas "big hair" sisterwife look. I've got acres of forehead that could stand to be balanced out with some high-quality cranial poofage, that much is for sure, and the braids down the back would corral the mass of hair I'm growin' back there and would make it look like I cared some little bit about styling my hair.

Case in point: this is what my hair looks like right now. I put a 4-part braid into the top half of it while I was on a TELECON this morning, and don't even have an elastic to hold the ends together. In truth, it doesn't need an elastic, because the braids stay pretty well by themselves, but leaving those ends hanging isn't exactly professional, now is it? Plus which, there's the added bonus of that loose end poking out like a dowsing rod that's gasping for moisture, and the unbrushed mess underneath that is the result of leaving the house with my hair wet and not thinking about it until I get to work.

(BTW - the picture is tinted funny. I don't really have blue hair. Not yet).

So, where do I get the primer on polygamist hairstyles? I'm pretty sure I could rock the Texas style like a homemade cradle, yo yo!


Their dresses, however, don't stand a CHANCE of making onto this hyar bod. What with all the 'secret stitching' and the undergarments and the HIGH NECK with PETER PAN COLLAR action going on, I'd be a miserable piece o' work in no time atall.

Why not just a nice abaya or jibab or salwar kameez? They look a sight more comfy. No hijab required, natch.


Oh, and the poly ladies don't cut their hair either. It's supposed to be there to wash Christ's feet after the Rapture. To which I say - Someone's going to have to convince me, because I'm pretty sure that even God wouldn't want my straw-like pilial crowning glory brushing his feets.

But maybe I could be the exfoliator. Yeah. That might work.


Y'all have a great day. I'm off to ponder more on complicated hairstyles and the possibility of being a part of the Godly pedicure in the great beyond. Wonder if he'd prefer a Pedi-Egg instead?

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