Wednesday, August 08, 2007

My future's so bright

Oh friends, I have good news, good news!

I no longer need glasses! Lo, I have been cured of my dependance! Isn't it wonderful? Aren't you happy for me ? Don't you want to know how this happened?

Well, I'll tell you, jus to let you in on my little secret:

I got old.

Yes friends, the act of AGING itself has turned me from a spectacle-addicted double-vision-having wreck of a four-eyes into a corrective-lens-free gadabout. Oh, bliss. Oh joy. Oh how wonderful I say, that getting OLD brings with it some benefit to counterbalance that which it takes away in great heaping sholvelsful.

(or is it shovelfuls?)

See (hee!), it's like this. For years my left eye has been nearsighted and my right eye has been fine. My visual acuity was something like 20/250 in the left eye and 20/30 in the right eye. Plus which, I have a real problem with binocular vision, being as how my eyes work entirely separately unless forced into team play by lenses with PRISMS in them. There is much math involved in making my glasses, I'm here to tell you. Math is hard, and expensive.

Welllll, according to the SMOKING HOT eye doc I saw yesterday (Hi Doctor Dan! Love you!), my eyes have succumbed to the aging process, and I'm now at 20/175 in the left eye and 20/15 in the right eye.

The upshot is that I can see like a mole AND and eagle, which turns out to be a good thing! Amazing, but why? Because my dominant eye is the right one, so if it's seeing things clearly then it takes over the optic signalling. If my left eye sees things clearly, then it either works in concert with the right eye OR it takes over for the close work. I generally go around only feeding visual signals into my brain from one eye or the other.

Yes, it IS an adventure to be me, why do you ask?

Hot Doctor Dan said that they prescribe "monocular vision" contacts for folks all the time to give them the kind of vision I already have, and mine is free of charge and accessories. Sure, I COULD have glasses with bifocals (or worse) and prisms to try to get my eyes to see the same thing, all the time, but why, when I function fine as I am? We agreed that I should live like this for as long as I can, and when I start having issues we'll do more tests to see what godawful contraption I have to stick back on my face to see again.

But for now, I'm listening to Doctor Dan, and saving myself some money.

So, buck up all y'all youngsters out there! One day you TOO could divest yourself of spectacles in favor of monocular split vision. Aren't you looking forward to that? All you have to do is give up skin elasticity, your jawline, perky boobs, reactive private parts, hair with an actual color, and flawless skin.

Really, it's such a bargain.

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