(earnest music begins suddenly) Da-da-duh-da-dit-dun-dunnnn!!!
(insert sounds of telex machines and whirring computer tapes and generally busy people who are pounding on IBM Selectrics (and who are, no doubt, smoking, but you can't HEAR that, now can you? No, you cannot))
Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for Breaking News You Must Know, with Grant McManly!
Good evening, I'm Grant McManly, and now for the top news stories that couldn't wait until 6:30 becase we're self-important pricks who don't care if you see who wins the "Showcase Showdown"....
Food in botulism recall still being sold
"I remember being taken off the shelf at the Kroger on a fine Saturday morning" reminsces a can of green beans. "It was in the glory days before anyone KNEW we were coated with a poisinous bacterial ooze, and were potantially dangerous."
Friends, it's this kind of renegade veg that you need to be wary of. You can identify them by their bulging tops and straining can seams, much like the pickings at a college bar at 1:59 a.m.
Taliban negotiate for Korean hostages
Come Mr Taliban, tally up me hostages, jihad come and dey wanna go home, six bombs, seven bombs, eight boms OH! Jihad come and dey wanna go hooooome. Dey-oh!
Giant prehistoric tusks found in Greece
The rest of the great huge nasty rabbit was packed in oil
Marijuana may increase psychosis risk
It's called paranoia,folks, and even now your sons and daughters and neighbors may be suffering from it. Why not go to them and pelt them with questions about their red eyes, their hacking cough, their Cheeto-stained fingers as a sign you show you CARE, and care deeply, and think perhaps they should go get something to drink because, honestly, they sound like they could use a swig-a something and don't you know that's a sign of maybe having some kind of really really bad disease and it's probably the guys outside their house who are polluting their tap water? People who smoke the dope need your help to keep out of these dangerous mental waters.
Now pass the chips, dude, I've got wicked-ass cottonmouth.
Group to issue surgery fires guidelines
In a shocking development, I have no idea what this headline means. None at all.
This can only mean that either there's anarchy in the newroom, or Charlie in taglines is three sheets gone again. I think sometimes he does this to me because of how I got this job, but it's not my fault the new director thought I was more suited for the job, is it? Is it MY fault that it was me and not Charlie that looks good in a tailored suit? Is it MY fault that my Dad is golfing buddies with the station owner? IS it MY fault that I'm younger and look better on the television that Charlie does?
I mean really, what difference does it make that DUMPY OLD Charlie has 20 years of news experience and a smoker's hack that would make Edward R Murrow jealous? Who cares that he's got connections in the White House and the Kremlin? What does it matter that he once knocked back shots of bourbon with Churchill and beat Stalin in a marathon game of strip poker? Does it really matter? You won't beat ME, Charlie Oldfart, becaues I'm young and the ladies like ME, so our ratings are up! I'm getting paid assloads of money while you're stuck in the back room pounding out MY HEADLINES!
Ahahahaaaaa!!!! I win, Charlie! I FREAKING WIN!!!!!!
Ahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!! VICTORY, YOU SUCKTARD! I RULE!!! AHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
(Voiceover) - This has been Breaking News with Grant McManly.
Tune in at 6:30 for Headline News with Charlie Hunter, substituting tonight for Mr. McManly, who is, as of two minutes ago, "on assignment."
Have a great weekend y'all; no matter what your "assignments" may be. I'm out!