Tuesday, April 10, 2007
In search of the forward-walking crab.
I'm Marlin Perky, welcome to Mutual of Ornaha's Wild Fiefdom!!
Today we are traveling to the dark edge of our vast and fearsome Fiefery to search for a rare creature, the forward-walking crab. Once thought to be a thing of legend, it has recently been sighted as a filling in fried dumplings at a food stall in Whakamolia. What a shame.
Ghim, our man in the field, has travelled to the Outer Regions to find a live specimen of this most unusual creature. The more we know about the forward-waling crab, the better will be our understanding of its part in nature and how we can exploit its tender flesh for our feasting tables come Harshentide Eve.
Oh wait, strike that last bit - the Gaffer was having a touch of fun with me. We really and truly only want to find the crab in order to understand its part in nature, at the edge of the Great Puddle of Morash.
"This is Ghim, at long last arrived in Whakamolia, where I've been talking with the locals about the FWC, which is what all the BrosinDahood call it around here. Not wanting to stick out as a tourist, I've adopted their colorful terminology and styles of dress, which, as you can see, appears to be little more than a painted gourd and some braided hay. No matter, Whakamolia is a hot desert-y place, full of nasty great Rabboids and many other creatures strange and poisonous. I've been told the gourd repels most fanged creatures (except for the bands of roaming Vampyria, who go for the jugular instead of the, uh, unjugular, which the gourd covers), and the braided hay can be used as a whip, rope, or emergency torniquet should we come across any irritable wildlife that can't be vanquished with one stroke of a Felreth midget's can of walrus breath.
My native guides have brought me to the edge of the Great Puddle, in hopes of catching a dozen or two FWCs. Ah! What's that? A shape in the gloom rises from the surface of the Puddle! A pair of red eyes! Could it be? Oh! It's a Puddlegator! Look at it, terrible and fearsome in its hunt for prey.
Wait just a minrite, it's looking at us.
That can't be good. Marlin, it's coming toward us.
Oh dear. Where's that hayrope? Please Camtreck in Heaven, someone help me!
Whats that? Shouting attracts the Puddlegator? OK, I'll pipe down."
Ghim? Everything all right?
"Yes Marlin. We're in a Tata tree now, observing the Puddlegator while snacking on the deeeelighcious fruits that hang pendulously from the tree's smooth branches.
Notice how the puddlegator is now stalking a Snog, one of the many types of giant gourami that live in the Puddle.
The puddlegator waits, mouth wide, tails gently swaying, until its prey is nearly to the other side of its homelair before striking out with its pronged tongue, delivering the dose of phytotoxin that wil surely incapacitate the Snog with one blow.
THERE IT GOES! Oh! A thing of quickness and beauty! Oh! The Snog is down! I say the Snog is DOWN! As you can see, the Snog is slowly dissolving from the injection of Puddlgator saliva, and soon will be nothing but a mucusy mass that the Puddlegator will suck through its tubular appendage. Nature, in her majesty, is truly at work here.
What the Henry was THAT?
Marlin, some creature has just bit me near the gourd.
I'm going to grab it and try to identify it for you.
Yes, I think it is! Oh, YES! It IS! It's a FWC! I didn't know they could climb trees! This is amazing! Our first sighting! Magic day! What a glorious thing!
Ouch! There's another one! They come in pairs! How astounding! Two FWCs! Happy happy day!
Marlin, just as a point of information, they have very sharp pincers, and seem to be able to tear off small chunks of flesh before I notice anything is wrong, but what a find! I'm bleeding, and also happy. Can you see this Marlin? Isn't it wonderful?"
You might want to put some Attar root on that, Ghim, it looks like you're bleeding pretty badly there.
"Oh, helms, no.
Oh Camtreck, they're everywhere.
Marlin, I'm surrounded by them. They're marching up the tree in swarms. Thousands of them.
The guides are gone, and I smell blood.
Where's that frilling midget with the walrus breath, for Gorfeth's sake?"
Well, it seems like it's time for a commerical break while Ghim gets that situation in order. Come on back in 2 and 2 and we'll have the exciting conclusion of "The Search for the Forward Walking Crab," right here on Mutual of Ornaha's Wild Fiefdom!