Friday, January 19, 2007

It's 3 o'clock in the morning

Well, OK, it's 4 o'clock in the morning.


I am awake. Why am I awake? This is not time to be awake, this is a time to sleep, perchance to dream (and promise myself not to blog about it, because y'all have had just about enough of that foolishness), to unconsciously ruminate on the day's happenings in the arms of Morpheus, or some similarly-armed god of some other antiquity.

Heh - a God of dreams. Begs the question - why do we need one of them? Isn't sleep heavenly enough? Isn't that as close to god as you can get, because, pretty much, when you're sleeping you're not capable of committing any sins (and y'all can just be quiet about those "fun adult" dreams because nobody can help having them so it's not really sinning if you do)?

So, why do we need a Morpheus? Is that the god that insomniacs pray to? Is that who I should be genuflecting at right now, in order to get the sleep I need and deserve, and wanted so badly that I lay in bed a whole HOUR before admitting defeat and getting up at 3?

OK, if that's what it takes, then here goes.

Dear Morpheus,

I have heard that you're the go-to guy for getting some rest around here, so here I am.

I want to sleep. I'd like to have good dreams too, if you can score some of that for me. Think you can hook me up with some of that action? I hear your brothers, Phobetor and Phantasos, are working with you to produce some pretty high-quality dreamstuff these days, and man, if I could just get a hit of whatever it is that coming out of your shop I'd really be grateful. Your Dad, Hypnos, said you might be able to help a girl out, and said that you'd know what to do to get me back in bed.

Dude, I'd do anything right about now. 4 in the morning is no time to be awake, unless you're a morning news anchor or standing sentry or have to take a shift on a boat sailing on icy Alaskan seas during king crab season. I mean yeah, that seems reasonable, but I'm not DOING any of those things and so wasn't planning on getting up until 5:30. That's 3 and a half hours of sleep I missed; almost half a night's worth of not-sinning!

So, what do I have to do, Morpheus, old buddy? Offerings? Special grace before bedtime? Obeisance and oaths of fealty? I'll do it, just say the word.

Just don't be sending your half-brother, DEATH, to my house pretending it's you. That shit just ain't nice.

Thanks much,


Huh. It's 4:20, and nary a peep out of Hypnos' boy.

Wonder who else I can contact about this issue? It's Google time!

Oh, hey, lookee here - Morpheus isn't actually the god of SLEEP, he's the god of DREAMS. His DAD is the god of sleep. Interesting. So Hypnos, the sleep God, has a half-brother (Death), and three sons. OK! I learned something!

The second Google page seems to indicate that sleep is given to Christians if they pray for it looks like I'm on the right track. Oh! There's a Baha'i prayer for sleep - but it looks really long and uses way too many thees and thous. Pass. On page 4 there's a passage from the Talmud that indicates that sleep is a gift from God, and I could not agree more, but WHICH god? The big one? I guess if the Talmud says God, they mean the Big God, with the capital letter, and no messing around.

So, OK, here's my second attempt at praying for sleep. At 4:29 a.m.

Dear God,

Please, for the love of, well, YOU, please let me sleep. I'm no good on 4 hours a night. I know that by 2 this afternoon I'm going to be a shambling mess of a woman, gripping a mug of steaming coffee, trying to mainline caffeine in order to stay awake long enough to be coherent at the 4 p.m. conference call with an anxious client.

Why did you DO this to me? Have I not been good? Have I not promised to lose weight and started a diet and started working out to get in shape and have not yelled at my kids in days and fixed dinner every night and been kind to my husband and tried to stay on top of the laundry? I have, I just KNOW I have. Here's the thing: My usual reward for this good behavior is a nice nights' sleep. 7, 8 hours is all I'm really asking here God. Waking me up after 4 is just mean.

And you are not an angry God, you are not vengeful, because I happen to know that that God is so "Old Testament," and you are New Testament, God, you are! You are all about love, and peace, and understanding, and comfortable clothing and kicking back having picnics with 5000 of your closest friends. You LOVE me, for, um, YOUR sake, so what the heck is going on?

Let me know what I need to do. Offerings? Special grace before bedtime? Obeisance and oaths of fealty? I'll do it, just say the word.

Love (and I MEAN it),

It's 4:35. No sign of God, or sleep.


Guess I'll go start that caffeine drip now.

Y'all have a great day. Poke me a good one in the ribs at about 3, would ya? I'll need to prepare for that meeting, or at least be awake for it.

Thanks much!

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