Aw, man, here we are at the end of another glorious work week. Temps in the 100's, humidity near 50%, a car steering wheel so hot that if you listen carefully you can hear a little sizzle when your fingers touch it, and a broken air conditioner at home.
Yes, yes, these are the times we'll remember, and tell the granchildren about as they whisk around us on their hovercraft sucking Soma through a straw.
And yet, even with the minor annoyances of heat, dampness, burnt palms, and a family room that feels like the inside of the snake house at the zoo, we simply do not have it as bad as some people.
Take, for example - the Austrians. "Spider invasion creeping out Austrians" reports Yahoo, and even though I thought at first it said "Australians," and my initial thought was "those poor buggers, to put up with crocs, Steve Irwin, nasty-temepered koala, and now THIS?" I still would have felt badly for them, even though they're used to the daaangerous soide of loife ("Black maamba at teen o'clohk, mate! Watch youseeelf neeow! Hee's a blighter, he is!" "oh, chook, stop beeeing such a Nancy and just sweep heem offa the beed and geet eeen, wouldye?")
But Austrians, now there's another matter entirely.
"Hans, vat in de ever-loving name of all that is holy bist dis here ting"?
"Vell, Hapi, it looks like a YELLOW SAC SPIDER! AHHHHHH! Run! Schell! Scary!! Oooh-hooo"
"Oh, Hans, I tink it's gone and taken a chompfen outta my arm already!"
"Hapi, quick! To de hot vater! Dat's vat dey said to duuuu! And stop wid de paniking already! Ooo hooo!"
(I know that now I will get hate mail from Austrians who are going to tell me that they don't speak with that foolish accent I just put in Hapi and Hans' mouth, but, you know, maybe Hapi and Hans immigrated from Germany to take a job pressing shirts for the local hotel and they still talk like they did in the homeland, where, conicidnetally, there were also yellow sac spiders but nobody really paid them that much attention. To which I would also add - if you're sending ME hate mail over something this insanely stupid, you need to put some money in your pocket and see if you can't go out and buy yourself a life, schnell.)
Turning attention back to "people who have it worse than I do, or at least they SEEM to and I'm going to run with that ball to make myself feel better," I offer this: Co. wants ultrasound to ID juicy pork, because ther person who wrote THAT headline is OBVIOUSLY not getting any, and is forced to render unto us headlines that use the phrase" juicy pork" so they can get their giggle on.
So sad, and so, well,,,,,
OK, fine, I giggled too! Still! Join me in pitying the poor pathetic juicy pork headline person, for they are sad indeed. And hey, sad and lonley juicy pork person?.....thanks for the giggle.
As a final offering, because I'm feeling so MUCH better now about my life that I think I almost have the strength to go start working, I'll put this one up for your consideration - Atllanta airport unveils new bag screener. Which leads me to believe the following might be happening right about now:
"Man," thought Dirk," I can't WAIT to start my job as the new bag screener at the airport! Such a great move for me to be able to take part in this new initiative! I love the gloves I get to wear, and my boss said that if they get dirty I can change them however often I want. This job will be totally AWESOME! But, still, I wonder why they made me learn the phrase 'Turn your head and cough, sir' as part of the training?"
Yessir, Dirk may be in for a lit-tle surprise later on today.
I'm feeling much better, and very nearly back to my old self...
See? All I needed to do to become REALLY happy was to stab some guy in the back with a beer bottle, and I'm cheerful as a pig in a wallow.
(author's note - picture horribly out of date - from Hallowe'en 1987...when I was young and thin and still had a jawline.....but I'm not going to let that get me down, ebcause I was also stupid back then. Hott as hell, yes, of COURSE, but stupid.)