Friday, August 04, 2006

I'm making me feel better - plus PICTURE UPDATE

Aw, man, here we are at the end of another glorious work week. Temps in the 100's, humidity near 50%, a car steering wheel so hot that if you listen carefully you can hear a little sizzle when your fingers touch it, and a broken air conditioner at home.

Yes, yes, these are the times we'll remember, and tell the granchildren about as they whisk around us on their hovercraft sucking Soma through a straw.

And yet, even with the minor annoyances of heat, dampness, burnt palms, and a family room that feels like the inside of the snake house at the zoo, we simply do not have it as bad as some people.

Take, for example - the Austrians. "Spider invasion creeping out Austrians" reports Yahoo, and even though I thought at first it said "Australians," and my initial thought was "those poor buggers, to put up with crocs, Steve Irwin, nasty-temepered koala, and now THIS?" I still would have felt badly for them, even though they're used to the daaangerous soide of loife ("Black maamba at teen o'clohk, mate! Watch youseeelf neeow! Hee's a blighter, he is!" "oh, chook, stop beeeing such a Nancy and just sweep heem offa the beed and geet eeen, wouldye?")

But Austrians, now there's another matter entirely.
"Hans, vat in de ever-loving name of all that is holy bist dis here ting"?
"Vell, Hapi, it looks like a YELLOW SAC SPIDER! AHHHHHH! Run! Schell! Scary!! Oooh-hooo"
"Oh, Hans, I tink it's gone and taken a chompfen outta my arm already!"
"Hapi, quick! To de hot vater! Dat's vat dey said to duuuu! And stop wid de paniking already! Ooo hooo!"

(I know that now I will get hate mail from Austrians who are going to tell me that they don't speak with that foolish accent I just put in Hapi and Hans' mouth, but, you know, maybe Hapi and Hans immigrated from Germany to take a job pressing shirts for the local hotel and they still talk like they did in the homeland, where, conicidnetally, there were also yellow sac spiders but nobody really paid them that much attention. To which I would also add - if you're sending ME hate mail over something this insanely stupid, you need to put some money in your pocket and see if you can't go out and buy yourself a life, schnell.)

Turning attention back to "people who have it worse than I do, or at least they SEEM to and I'm going to run with that ball to make myself feel better," I offer this: Co. wants ultrasound to ID juicy pork, because ther person who wrote THAT headline is OBVIOUSLY not getting any, and is forced to render unto us headlines that use the phrase" juicy pork" so they can get their giggle on.

So sad, and so, well,,,,,

OK, fine, I giggled too! Still! Join me in pitying the poor pathetic juicy pork headline person, for they are sad indeed. And hey, sad and lonley juicy pork person?.....thanks for the giggle.

As a final offering, because I'm feeling so MUCH better now about my life that I think I almost have the strength to go start working, I'll put this one up for your consideration - Atllanta airport unveils new bag screener. Which leads me to believe the following might be happening right about now:

"Man," thought Dirk," I can't WAIT to start my job as the new bag screener at the airport! Such a great move for me to be able to take part in this new initiative! I love the gloves I get to wear, and my boss said that if they get dirty I can change them however often I want. This job will be totally AWESOME! But, still, I wonder why they made me learn the phrase 'Turn your head and cough, sir' as part of the training?"

Yessir, Dirk may be in for a lit-tle surprise later on today.

I'm feeling much better, and very nearly back to my old self...

See? All I needed to do to become REALLY happy was to stab some guy in the back with a beer bottle, and I'm cheerful as a pig in a wallow.

(author's note - picture horribly out of date - from Hallowe'en 1987...when I was young and thin and still had a jawline.....but I'm not going to let that get me down, ebcause I was also stupid back then. Hott as hell, yes, of COURSE, but stupid.)



Wordnerd said...

Juicy pork. I'm gonna run with that one all day.

Kingfisher said...

Yesterday a post about mammography, today one with a bag screener.


Wordnerd said...

P.S. Is 50% humidity considered a BAD thing where you are?

tiff said...

WN - have at it.... and yes, I think 50% qualifies for us poor imitation southerners.

KF - you haven't seen the updated picture yet, have you??? Boobs, bags, and scary wig action - ooooh!

Chelle said...

I didn't see the bag screener last week! Damn I would have introduced myself.

tiff said...

mmm3 - you wouldn't have qualified for an interview with him, I'm afriad. :>

Tracy Lynn said...

Tif, I'm pretty sure we had the same hairdresser in '87. I KNOW we had the same taste in beer.

rennratt said...

When I first read the Atlanta headline, I thought it said that they UNRAVELLED the new bag screener...

Which sound mighty uncomfortable.

kenju said...

Oh, we all lose our jawlines, don't we? I still have one, but it is a bit bumpier than it used to be....LOL

rennratt said...

You weren't kidding! HOTT, indeed!

tiff said...

TL - I've since moved on, and hope like crazy you have too. Busch beer = pondwater once you've had a really good IPA.

Renn - ow.

kenju - but you're still gorgeous!!!

renn again - suh-MOKIN! Woo! par-tee! wooo! (that was me back then.....I've calmed down a tad as my brains filled up with important stuff) It's easy to be hott when you're 25....much harder when you're 44. But I do try. As much as the voices will let me, anyhow.

rennratt said...

I came across some old pics of myself this afternoon. I have uploaded them for your enjoyment.

tiff said...

renn - and so I did!! You were adorable, and still are. Double-plus hotneessssss.

Erica said...

Look at you, all Elvira'd out. Undeniably freakin' HOTT.

Halloween 1987 - I worked as a cashier at Drug Emporium, and we were told to dress up for work, and we might win a contest. Lacking materials and the necessary quantities of "give-a-shit", I chose to go as a punk zebra.

This consisted of using StiffStuff (tm) hairspray to get my hair into something like a mohawk, spraying it neon pink, and wearing a white tee shirt on which I had slashed a few black stripes with a charcoal pencil.

I did not win the contest.

tiff said...

erica - I would PAY to see you in that outfit! Punk Zebra sounds like a fab idea...