Friday, April 07, 2006

Sweet relief

Oh, ho, ho!!!! Sound the klaxons and ring the bells!!!! They're baaaaack!

We welcome the return of the REAL headline writers who must have been on vacation the last couple of weeks and in their absence allowed the too-literate and nervous interns to sub-in for them.

Only this theory could explain the mighty deluge of incomprehensible or easily misunderstood headlines flooding the Yahoo news page today! I can feel my dried-up snarky little sense of humor fairly blossoming under the life-giving rain of confusion.

Like so:

Iraqi women argue, but agree on their special role

and American women argue and don't agree, French women don't argue but agree to disagree, and Germen women don't argue and also agree. What then, do they do in Irelend?

New York horror swamps September 11 death penalty trial

Warning: Leona Helmsley has broken free from her "retirement community" and was reported to have been last seen swimming across the Hudson toward Manhattan. One of her assistants said she had lately been ranting about "getting that hat off that Moussaoui guy" and had been extremely agitated. Citizens are urged to stay indoors until this situation is rectified.

These next two were posted 13 minutes apart:
Stocks Edge Higher on Upbeat Jobs Data
Stocks fall as rate worries overtake data gains

I admit a certain degree of confusion.

TSX declines; loonie jumps after Canada's jobless rate falls to 32-year low

Because, if one were SANE, one would realize that decreasing jobless rates are a GOOD thing indeed. Silly, silly loonie.

Tame Playboy sparks excitement in Muslim Indonesia

The sight of Anna Nicole on a leash would do that just about anywhere, don't you think?

Mexicans Protest Slow Hurricane Rebuilding

They want that hurricane NOW, dagnabbit.

Greeenpeace and Nestle clash over GM coffee

I had no idea General Motors even MADE coffe, or that Greenpeace was getting in on the java biz. Imagine the carnage this clash could create - inflatable Zodiacs carrying earthy protesters beathing against the current of the chocolate river hidden deep in the bowels of Nestle plant, where it's rumored little men with a keen sense of rhythm are in deep negotiations with Lee Iacocca to grow the mysterious GM coffee.....

Horrifying in it's implications, really.

New ring around Uranus is blue, scientists find

Does that mean there's too much copper in your water?

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Heh - I cracked myself up with that last one.

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And the last:

"Monster rabbit" targets vegetable patch

It had great pointy teeth and could fly, or
so I've heard. See below for a picture one bold soul maanged to take with his cell phone while two very brave knights attempted to capture the magnificent beast:
Thrilling, isn't it?

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Have a lovely weekend, y'all!

5 comments:

mr. schprock said...

Good ones, Tiff! They remind me of a headline I read years ago: "Teachers lose suit, must wear tie."

And now I must…

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Chelle said...

Long live the REAL Yahoo headline writers!!! May they never take a vaction again; the comedy is too good.

tiff said...

MMM3 - I'll say! It's been too dry over there lately for my taste.

Mr. Schprock - You were Sir Robin in the school play, weren't you?

rennratt said...

I must stop drinking beverages while reading your site on Fridays. I fear I will fry my computer.

Wordnerd said...

Ah, thank you. Your headlines are helping me to return to the land of the living...