Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Java, baby

Doom doom doom dadda doom doom

Undah presshah!

Doom doom doom dadda doom doom

Gimme coffee!

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A few requests for your help, dear gentle and very knowledgable readers......

If someone can tell me how to CONVINCE A CAT TO SLEEP AT NIGHT INSTEAD OF PLAYING "LET'S SHRED THE CARPET AND CLIMB ON YOUR FACE ALL NIGHT," I'd be very grateful.

If someone can tell me how to TELL THE BIRDS THEY SHOULDN'T BE FLIPPING CHIRPING AT 3 IN THE MORNING, I'd be very grateful.

If some one can tell me HOW TO CONTACT THE TOWN UTLITIES COMMISSION SO I CAN TELL THEM TO QUIT PICKING UP THE FREAKING DUMPSTERS AT THE HIGH SCHOOL AT 5 IN THE MORNING, I'd be very grateful.

And if someone could tell me HOW TO CONVINCE MY DOG THAT HAVING TO SLEEP IN THAT BATHROOM DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO FLING YOURSELF AGAINST THE CLOSED DOOR AT HOURLY INTERVALS, I'd be very grateful indeed.

I have gotten the world's crappiest 2 nights of sleep ever, and am feeling a wee tad crabby this morning. Is it obvious?

Woke up with a Texas-sized headache this morning, which was not even due to having done anything fun or illicit last night, and which I can only blame on the abovementioned irritations. I do not like headaches. I do not like having my sleep interrupted.

I feel much the same way as I did when the boys were babies, all muddled and befuddled and not NEARLY caffeinated enough. You know, when you're just sleep-deprived enough to THINK you're functioning well but in reality might not be? Like, when you drive to work and think "How did I get here?"

This is NOT my beautiful life, I can tell you that much.

Just as an FYI - My beautiful life involves lots and lots of quality sleep, a nice quiet place in which to wake up, a gentle breeze wafting in through the slightly open window that allows in the hushed sounds of a slowly-awakening world - maybe a few birds drowsily "eeping" for their friends, perhaps the sounds of a few curious squirrels gingerly exploring for acorns or something in nice soft grass. My beautiful life has white linen curtains at the windows and smells of fresh laundy. My beautiful world is decorated in blue and yellow and white and has a den painted deep red with books along 2 walls and a long leather sofa on which I can fling myself on hot summer afternoons. My beautiful life has enough plates for 2 meals and no dog hair tumbleweeds, and comfortable clothing, and 200-page-long magazines full of things I like to read and which are printed on thick matte-finish paper. My beautiful world has nice warm muffins in the morning and long afternoon shadows on the family-room walls.

My beautiful world, as you might therefore suspect, most certainly does NOT include insomniac cats, nervous dogs, pre-dawn thunderous dumpster bashing from the loyal and early-rising sanitation workers, or hyperactive suburban birds who think a streetlight is as good a reason as any to start seranading the cute chickadee across the street with raucous boasting song at o-dark-thirty.

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Of course, in addition to the above, in my beautiful world I'm filthy rich, have minions, live in a commune, am wise beyond my years, can do magic, have Ziggy Stardust as a best friend, am effortlessly thin, forever young, possess finely turned ankles, and can fly.

How 'bout you?

6 comments:

Wordnerd said...

Awww...that's miserable. Trying to function on very little sleep and with a very not-little headache sucks.

I'm going to find my happy place.

Chelle said...

I am going with you here: good sleep, calm sleepy animals, money, and some creative friends --- all you need... and love.

You changed your template!!! I'm liking it!

rennratt said...

1. Give the dog a kong with peanut butter in it, and crate him. The enclosed space may calm him down. Really. Daddy's home and pup is an insomniac. Or, turn on Animal Planet. The Dog Whisperer may help.

2. give the cat...away? (sorry, I have allergies). Umm...can the cat be crated? I crate my hyper dog - and it calms her right down.

3. Take a tylenol pm or an antihistamine.

4. Trash truck at 5 am? Ear plugs at the drug store - $2.

5. chirping birds at 3 am? See above.

...finally - to ward off the day after headache with no night before?

Drink "Coke Blak". It is ESPRESSO & COKE! It will set you back around $6 for a four pack, but it will be worth it.

Good luck!

hovatter62 said...

I agree with rennratt about the earplugs thing.... when I got married, I couldn't sleep well for about two - three months (hubby snoring like a chainsaw) until I discovered earplugs! Yippee! The only problem may be if someone needs you and calls from the other room (but your hubby is home now, let him go to the rescue)! When will you be able to move away from the noise-makers?

tiff said...

WN - yep - happy place central, here I come!

MMM3 - the template thing was an accident....I lost all my links, darn it. However, I had heard that my site wasn't so easy to read on some monitors, so I'm hoping this changes that. :>

renn - you are a font of information! Thanks! I'm ready to give the cat away, and the dogs need a tranq. "Coke Blak"? Is this Southern thing of which I have no knowledge? I must learn!

Hov62 - With any luck we'll be out in the country by the end of May!!!

rennratt said...

Coke Blak is new. It comes in a four pack - a la Starbucks "Frappacino". Chachi found it last week - and shared. Just DON'T shake it, as it is carbonated. Don't ask how I know that...