Friday, April 21, 2006

"And you're not!"

'Cause, like, I shouldn't even BE here, dudes! Totally crazy days here at TIFF teevee, but the show MUST go on and therefore I offer you...

The headlines, as seen through a very scratched and greasy filter.

Gabbro extracted from deep within Earth

Wait a gosh-darned minute! didn't she say she "chust vanted to be alooone" a long time ago? Why can't we respect that???

But, hey, if they found HER, then maybe they should nose around a little for Jimmy Hoffa while they're there.

Contractors profit from 'No Child' education law

Because, duh, it dosesn't take ANY money to educate "no child"!

Shiites to meet on PM

PM says "that's gonna leave a mark" in response.

Phony doctor gives free breast exams

I wonder, what woman in her right mind WOULDN'T let this man into their homes to grope their happy pillows? He looks so, so, trustworthy and not Gacy-esque at ALL!!

Class-Action Status Sought in Teflon Suit

Who wants to bet those charges won't stick?

Apple Questioned in Trade Secrets Case

"See hear, Jonathon, if you don't tell us what we want to hear we'll get Mott over here to do his thing on your Granny Smith!"

Emotional Wiring Different in Men and Women

Which explains why the computerized light show Bobby and Daniele made as a science fair project wouldn't work after their first big fight......

Britons Cheer Elizabeth on 80th Birthday

"I'm 80 bloody years old!" she thought upon arising, but after the nice peasants shouted a hearty "Huzzah!" as she sped past them in her gold-plated motorcoach she felt ever so much better, and thought perhaps she COULD have one of those truffle-dipped pate biscuits and a spot of Dom after all.

Nepalese King Speaks, but Impact Unclear

Hindram, playfully nicknamed "the silent king of Tibet" by the British media, broke his 20-year period of voluntary muteness this morning by requesting a "biggie size fries and a junior double with bacon." His countrymen didn't know what to make of this odd turn of phrase, and sorely wished they'd listened to those english lessons Brad Pitt was giving out when he was doing that movie a few years back. Updates as events warrant.


So much for that. Have a lovely weekend, y'all!


Wordnerd said...

Class-Action Status Sought in Teflon Suit

Who wants to bet those charges won't stick?

I'm still laughing. Groaning. Laughing. Groaning. More groaning.

tiff said...

That's what I'm here for!

mr. schprock said...

What about "Launch of NASA satellites scrubbed"? What did they use? Formula 409 or Mr. Clean?

tiff said...

Mr S - If I'd seen that headline, I'd-a done something similar with it, I'm sure.....

I'd use the SOS pad, myself.

rennratt said...

"Phony doctor gives free breast exams" is my favorite.

I had a breast exam a few years ago, and I could swear that they just sent in the janitor. (The office was a zoo, the guy wandered in to the room, completed the exam IN FRONT OF MY HUSBAND, told me I was fine...and wrote 'no charge' on my chart! Yes, he was wearing doctor stuff, but still. My first thought was 'I bet he's the janitor'). And yes, even then, I found it incredibly funny.

tiff said...

Renn - oooh, that experience is the stuff of nightmares.....having the ta-ta's fondled by a detached and harried medical professinal in front of your husand? Iiiiiiick.

rennratt said...

Oddly, it was just incredibly funny. To this day (and that happened about ten years ago) - he will say 'remember when you got felt up by the janitor at the doctors office?' - I still laugh. I had been sent to this dr. b/c a lump was found...and it turned out to be nothing. I think we still laugh more out of relief than anything.